so my mom moves home from the hospital this friday instead of a few weeks from now. we were hoping she would get a few extra weeks to get stronger. but insurance ran out.

not sure how well all this will work out. between me and my sister we have to run a daycare and take care of her pretty much 24/7. its rough seeing as how i also do random sidework ontop of being on call 12 hours a day for the daycare. then to add to that i will be spending most my time with my mom or doing my sisters job so she can be with our mom. and if that isnt enough i am trying to go back to school. not sure if i can handle all this. but it all has to be done.

i have already given up pretty much any free time i have. social life has all but died out. i know this sounds a lil selfish of me. but its just a hard adjustment. we have 3 other siblings but they cant be counted on to help take some of the load off me and my sisters shoulders. i guess this is more of a vent than anything. i rather drive myself into the ground than to have to count on them.

the one up side to all this is that im so busy i almost dont have time to be sad. i have alot of stuff from my past and present to deal with but im so tired when i get home i just zombie around doing anything and everything till i just almost pass out everynight.

i find it odd that i want to help take care of my mom so badly no matter what it cost me… eventhough she is the source of most of my problems from my childhood. the abuse for 10 years. the beating on top of that. being disowned at least 3 times. its rough. part of me wants to give into the bitterness but the other part of me that keeps everything from pushing me over the edge keeps reminding me that it didnt kill me. and sooner or later it will make me stronger. my only question with that theory is… will i finally get stronger before or after some serious damage has been done? is there a line that can be crossed that no matter how strong you get and how much you grow… scars are left?

and to top all this off. my X (gf) has come back into my life for some reason. evidentally she needs help. and from what i have found out from her family… she really does. but why me? after the hell she put me through and the way she used me… she must really think i have the ability to help her. there are 2 risks involved. if i let her back in my life in order to help her i could end up falling for her (which WOULD NOT be healthy) or i could end up actually hating her. the closer someone gets to me… past all my defenses and actually gets to a point where i trust them… when they hurt me i take it very personal. but im fool enough to forgive them over and over and cause myself more damage.

not even sure if any of that made any sense. basically i can say no and protect myself or say yes and take the risk of way more damage this time than before. and im the kind of person that wants to help everyone no matter the cost. but with this particular situation i want to be a lil more careful.

i feel like a giant crybaby with all this but if i dont get it out im gonna crash and burn

thomas