I don't about most of you, but when I'm down this bad, confused, tired and no fight left in me. I turn away from people and to my music. When I'm like this, I don't feel safe being around people. I even find it hard to speak on the phone. It's a trust thing. I don't just them, but I trust myself even less. My music is safe, it will not ever betray me. Has anyone ever felt that way before? Like, you can connect with the words to a song more than you can with someone who is talking to you? The music can get through where no human can.
I guess, there are those who use listening to music as a way to cope with life as I do,which must be a good thing for I've heard it said that music soothes the soul of the savage beast. Then I must be a BIG beast at times! lol

I love music of all types though when I get like I am now there's only one kind that will do for me and that's Ozzy Ozbourne all the way!
My all time favorite CD is Dairy of a MadMan.  I listen to the entire CD over and over again until I feel better. There's not a song on that CD that I can't connect with in some way. The songs Dairy of MadMan, Tonight and You can't kill rock and roll are the first songs that I will turn to. They just make the most sense to me at a time like this.
Used to it was me, my collection of Ozzy and a 12 pack somewhere stewing it out until I felt strong enough to face the world again. I've since quit drinking and I try to use the two out of three things that used to bring me out of this funk.But, Damn It! It's not working!!
Dear God, I think I need a good stiff drink. lol
Oh hell, give me the WHOLE damn bottle! To go into oblivion, numb, staggering around and slobbering wouldn't be such a bad thing for me right now. Anything to stop this before it's too late. Somehow, I have to drown out the voice of suicide, make it so I can't hear him or understand what he is telling me. I really don't want to die, but I'm tired of living as I do.

In the lyrics of Dairy of a MadMan Ozzy, sings about manic depression a verse I understand all too well. In it he says: 

Manic depression befriends me
hear his voice
Sanity now it's beyond me
there's no choice.

Couldn't have said it better myself if I had tried.
The next to last verse goes like this:

Voices in the darkness
scream away my mental health
can I ask a question
to help me save me from myself.
 

I guess, the one question that I would have to ask would be. Do you think that I'm even worth trying to save? I feel like such a heavy burden to myself I can only imagine what I'm putting my loved ones through. Nothing like feeling as if YOU'RE  the noose around peoples necks that's choking the  very life out of them!

I hate this!  When the depression comes to kick me in the ass, others around me manage to get kicked in the ass too. It's not fair! They didn't ask for this. Even though, I know they wouldn't tell me this to my face I know they have got to be thinking to themselves "damn, I should have read the fine print at the bottom before I signed up for this one, cause I sure in the hell didn't know I was signing up for all this shit!"

The last verse goes:

Enemies fill up the pages
are they me
Monday till Sunday in stages
set me free!

that is so true for me, when I write, like I am now I see how I am my own worse enemy and through my writing at least for a little while I'm able to free myself in some way. as long as I continue to keep the pages full everyday I still breathe , even if all the words I see filling up the pages are from my enemy at least they are out! There's so much more room out than there is in Plus, it's getting  too crowded in here and I can't think!! 

Ok, I've rambled on enough now. I think I'll stop now while I still have the chance of keeping it sounding like this all really makes sense, even when I'm not quite sure if it all does or not.
Oh well, it made sense to me, I think?

Thanks guys, just for being here! Just me knowing that you are here might have saved me from myself tonight!

Kim

 

1 Comment
  1. brokenfairy_38 15 years ago

    I'm with you on all that you just said!  Thanks for sharing with me.

    Take care, Kim

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