So I've been trying for a few months to pick up the broken pieces of my identity and put them back together.
Every time I make a little teensy progress (so, I decid/remember that I like such and such TV show over another one, or something equally small) something in life happens and throws me back into a depression again.
I can't seem to get out of the depressive episodes myself anymore and I've got no one around me to pull me out anymore. I don't can't even pull myself together enough anymore to put up the "Hey world, I'm awesome!" face. I have 2.5 weeks left out of classes. During that time I need to get myself out of this and get back on the healthy track. It's hard without anyone to lean on.
Don't get me wrong, I know DT people are willing to listen and help when they can. But it's just not the same as having someone (be it friend, family member, or significant other) push you along when you falter.
I've got a grand total of 1 friend in real life and to be honest, she can't handle all the fucked up ness in my head to help much. My family, well my brother's getting better again so as far as they're concerned I don't exist anymore. My significant other? Well… don't have him anymore and he's still not talking to me. I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad about that anymore.
I've tried going to the local mental health, but they only have daytime appointments and daytimes are when I function just fine and don't need assistance. It's now in the evenings when I'm sitting here staring at sharp objects thinking about things like "even my dog would be ok without me now." Don't get me wrong, I doubt I'll ever attempt anything. But the perverted self mutliation fantasies have really kicked it up a notch lately. Some nights its so bad i just curl up into a ball in bed and try to focus on petting my dog and not doing anything stupid.
This isn't like me at all. Yes I'm a negative person and yes I'm depressed, but I can function, I don't have suicidal tendencies and I fight through everything with emotional bricks because subtle answers aren't my forte. Lately I'm just balling up and trying to keep the world from hurting me anymore because I just can't take it.
What's the most pathetic part… I'm not sure if I even want help anymore. It's sick that I'm enjoying my miserable evenings when i sit and cry. I don't want to be like this anymore but I don't know how to.
I don't think any of this made sense and I'm not going to read it over even. I've had my emotional outlet, I've said what I want to say. Now I'm going to pour myself yet another strong drink and curse at how disgusting I am and how much I hate myself. Whoot evenings!