After all these weeks of feeling empty and stressed out, or worried and scared, and then sad and then empty again…today is when I will be struggling to keep the tears in; when I just can’t make myself do my homework; when I’m listening to a sad song on repeat; when I feel the sting of tears in my eyes; when I find myself looking at old photos. I don’t know how much longer that I can take of this.

I should be doing my work but have found myself to be procrastinating for probably the last 2 hours, and realized that spending some time to let this all out might help me get on with my day, even though I’ve been trying to stay off these sites so that I won’t procrastinate, because I have a lot on my plate this school year and cannot afford to procrastinate…but I guess I procrastinate still in other ways. I’m sorry to those who have commented on my previous blog or on my profile, and I have not commented back. I will one of these days, maybe even today if I cannot get on with my work, but by then I know you guys won’t even know who I am and why I’m thanking you. If you remember and you’re reading this, thank you, and I always appreciate every comment (except any mean ones, obviously).

I can’t even say what’s making me sad. I think things haven’t been that bad (I’m not sure). Maybe the fact that I scraped through this week, and I feel like I don’t know if I have the will to finish this term or the rest of my education. Maybe it’s my English class that’s contributing to me feeling this way. All the books that we’ve read so far, and will be reading, are about longing and love.

A few days ago, when I had to get up really early to work some more on an assignment before going to school, I had the radio playing in the background, and suddenly the radio person began talking about how her sister knew a friend who committed suicide, and said how everybody was shocked that he’d taken his life. That he was such a great guy. That everybody was so angry because he never came to them for help. And the world had gone silent for a moment. The radio person had stopped talking, and the other radio person was speechless, and I knew that she was crying and struggling to keep it quiet, and I just stared at my assignment. I don’t know who I felt more pain for, the radio person or the guy who committed suicide…probably equally as much. Why is this world such a sad, sad place?

Why are we unable to reach out?

Geez, I haven’t cried this hard in so long. I feel like I could spend this whole day just lying here and crying. But there just isn’t enough time for anything.

I wish I had somebody to just call up and say, “I’m feeling really sad right now, can you come out and take a walk with me even if it’s raining?” I can’t think of a single person who I can say that to. I can’t think of a single person who I’d be okay crying in front of, to let go of all my defenses and break down like that.

Yesterday, while at work, some girls were saying to the coordinator how they want boyfriends. And the coordinator was talking about how her heart had been broken. And I had said, “It doesn’t have to be your boyfriend who breaks your heart.” I don’t know if they heard, but I’m not even sure if I really wanted them to hear.

I feel so much sadness, and I don’t even know why.

*sigh*

…

I miss having friends. I miss life.

——-

Songs for the Rich (by Tristan Prettyman)

http://www.lyricsdownload.com/tristan-prettyman-song-for-the-rich-lyrics.html

Get off work about 4 o’clock

and I’m late again


cause you’ll be here by 6:30


and we’ll go looking for a close parking spot again

Sitting in a room full of believers


now you tell me what’s wrong and what’s right


cause I look over at you baby,


you got your good intentions focused so tight

and now it hurts me so, to have to see you go


to watch these drugs pull you down


when there’s nothing we can do and no one to get through


watch you fall in and out of this mess

What’s wrong with a little bit of experimentation to


open the eyes of the new generation well…


build your world on a cocaine foundation and


watch it all blow away…

And now it hurts me so, to have to see you go


to watch these drugs pull you down


when there’s nothing we can do and no one can get through


watch you fall deeper into this mess

Well I haven’t see you in awhile


you know I, I miss our talks I miss your smile


cause the look of innocence is priceless


but right now you look so lifeless

And now it hurts me so, to have to see you go


to watch this song break you down


and when you feel you can’t get through and there’s no hope left in you


you know I’ll be right here to help you find your way out…

**I’ve come to realize how valuable this online community and all my friends on the net are, cuz who else would I be able to just say all this to? Thank you.