i wish i could cut myself like other people but i just can't. Just like i can't do anything. I try every now and then because i want to because it literally will make me proud because i'm not brave enough and i can't stand the way i attack at myself when my mind stops me from doing it- the fear. (thats what i want to tackle) That's why i want to do it, i want to attack my mind and the way it attacks and manipulates me with the fear that stops me living and also stops me dying.
It's horrible because it makes me trapped because i can't get rid of myself (that wasn't what i was trying to do now). Iv been imagining doing it for ages almost every day, (but it's so easy inyour head) freeing myself and people finally understanding just how i feel- exactly that. i imagine suicide like art- a creating/ object that reveals completely just in its existance, everything you feel. That gap would be exactly what i was anyway and only that gap would represent me and the energy that i was born with. It was, always has and always will be hopeless from the start. I have a massive fear of getting pregnant and passing on whatever this is to the population. So much that i would have to kill my baby if i had one if i missed the abortion time limit, because that's the only way to save it from life, because it wouldn't be able to kill its self when it needed to and it's what i wished my mam had done so far. and it's what i would definately wish my mam would do if i was the daughter of me. Its like imagine if you give birth to a person that is constantly on fire and burning and all they wanted their whole life was to die but they couldn't do it. you would know youd have to kill them to stop this disease being mingled in society and to stop their pain. At the same time i know that would also be cruel and i'v thought about getting my tubes tied or ovaries removed but iv read some really bad stories. This is another reason why i want to die, i don't want any ability to reproduce THIS. I'm also starting to feel really envious of others who are similar to me but without the bad parts, like a refined version of me with the poison taken out and they are living their lives to the absolute full and getting everything i want and the jelousy makes me really hate myself as a person (i hate jelousy) which makes me know it would be better if i diddn't exist. I'm so jelous sometimes that the sight of those people makes me burn inside like i need to destroy them. And i know this is horrible (i'm saying this because i don't want to feel this) but i actually feel happy when they feel rubbish like me? It's usually because they don't talk to and want anything to do with me when i actually really like them. Anyway i have a list of reasons but i can't say the main ones on here. The point is i really hate the way i feel which is giving me the dark thoughts. It's all the same fear i think. maybe the fear is depression or maybe it's a different thing i had all along that only i have and no one else in the world has. i think that's true. i'm too much of a wimp to do anything that will save me though.