Finally I'm done with work until next Tuesday! I even got to leave a little early because I finished everything I could possibly do ahead of time. I hate being bored at work! My back, my arms and my feet ache from doing so much cleaning and bending over. I'm glad that's over with.
I'm tired and I'm hungry. I don't know which desire I should give in to first. Probably neither, I may just sit here and do nothing. I don't want to have to move or walk anywhere. I deserve to be able to get off my feet for awhile now.
Very shortly my son will be home from school. Then he's going to want me to make him a snack and get him something to drink and set up the tv for him to watch. After that I'm going to lie on the couch and just let the world slip away. He's old enough now that he knows the ruleabout not leaving the house or answering the door if I'm asleep. He's not allowed to go outside for that time period either. But he's got plenty he can do inside ~ play with his hundreds of games and toys,watch tv, play on the Wii, play on the computer…etc. He's perfectly capable of keeping himself entertained for an hour or so.
I have to admit I do feel better about myself for having gone to work today even though I REALLY didn't want to. It made me feel like I won over the bipolar today. I wish everyday was like that; winning over the illness' grasp. But sometimes I just can't get up and get going. Some days I just lie around and think, or try to think about nothing. Often I'll escape into a book or stay on the computer most of the day when I'm like that, but I make myself promise that tomorrow won't be the same. Sometimes I break that promise, but I always renew it again.
People often don't understand me because I'm an introvert. I don't really like talking on the phone or going out. I like staying in and relaxing or going to a friend's house where there's only a couple of people, and even then I only want to be there a couple of hours at most. Sometimes this offends people, but if they don't know me and my quirks by now, most of them never will. My mother-in-law is like that. She still doesn't get it and probably never will. I've resigned myself to that though. My 2 closest friends understand it and I'm happy to have them in my life. I've finally gotten to the point where everyone else who refuses to try and understand, well ~ it's their problem, not mine anymore. They can feel slighted or dislike me and I really don't care. Too bad for them.
Why is it that people are so scared by mental illness? Depression is so common that it's like a cold these days, yet the stigma for almost all mental illnesses is real and very large in the population. Why don't people understand that it's an ILLNESS, not something contagious that we can pass on to them. I still see it in the eyes of people I've known for so many years, the way they look at me out of the corner of their eyes, the wary way they talk to me sometimes like they're walking on eggshells. Unless I'm crying or hysterical I'm fine to talk with. I'm just like everyone else, but with a lot more life experience than many for my age. And because of what I've been through personally, I'd like to think that I have developed a high sense of compassion for others. I guess I need to lower my expectations that other people will return that kind of compassion to me.
I wish there were some way I could speak out. I wish there were something positive I could do to help the cause of mental health awareness that would make a difference. Blogging here doesn't change anything because we're all in the same boat.
And I'm not ready emotionally to write that book yet. Any ideas?
Well, I'm going to try and enjoy the rest of my afternoon. I'm thinking pizza for dinner because I'm sure not cooking! Or maybe Mexican from our favorite little diner a couple of miles away….mmmmm. Both of them sound good. Alright, off to take my nap ~ the food can wait, lol.