I don’t know whether anyone will ever read my blogs.
I am just writing them to journal and collect my thoughts. Put things in their place.
I suffer from depression basically because I was brought up by two incredibly narcissistic parents. My father would also be very high on the borderline scale. My mother is a pathological liar. I am an only child. I never had anyone to talk to.
My father rages a LOT. Shouts, screams, hits. He drinks insane amounts. Beats my mother up. Most of my early memories are of trying to prevent my father from killing my mother. Several times a week, those voices would start. The point of no return. My father was going to turn into a demon again. I used to cry a lot as a child. Shake. Shiver. I used to sleep on the stairs so that my father couldn’t get at my mother without alerting me. I still have trouble sleeping to this day. I used to sleep with one ear open, ready for those tones of voice that meant hell was about to arrive.
In trying to protect my mother, my father has locked me out the house, threatened to throw me down the stairs, physically and emotionally abused me. Called me every name under the sun.
My mother should have left him many, many years ago, but lacks the self confidence. Not many women would stay with a man who dragged them about by their hair whilst spitting in their face.
While no one deserves to be treated like my mother did, she is possibly the most irritating person I have ever met. Her goal in life is to control everyone and hold sway over everybody’s lives. She lies, manipulates, schemes, uses guilt and shame on everybody, plays people off against each other. She’s a complete rat woman. You basically do what she wants or you are made to suffer tremendously emotionally. She’s the biggest gossip you could meet. She tries to control everyone’s realities behind the scenes and ridicules and spreads lies and falsehoods about you in order to make herself appear better and to get attention. I don’t think she even realises it.
To the outside world my parents family seems to be highly successful. They both had careers. They pretend to love each other in the company of others. Tremendous effort is expended in convincing the outside world of their virtues. They have a big house. Throw lavish parties. Go on extravagant holidays. Deep down their relationship is an absolute disaster, full of hate and violence, but to the outside world, they seem like paragons of virtue. A model family. Someone to look up to and admire. Rotten stinking lies. Unless you are in their inner circle, it is hard to understand.
I learnt at a very early age, that I don’t exist unless I am doing something my parents want. My needs are basically wrong and won’t be tolerated. My parents had a very clear vision of who I was going to become. I was going to extend their legacy (they actually said that). I was going to out perform all their friend’s children in every one of life’s arenas. I was going to be better than every other child.
I was banned at a very early age from even playing with other kids. Even at 2 years old, I was made to sit at the dinner table with the adults while the other kids played outside. I never got to have friends, they weren’t good enough for me. I was the special one. Problem is friends are needed to play with to develop social skills which I never could. I just learnt to imitate the adults and to praise them all the time in order to get attention.
I was ferried to piano and singing lessons. Forced to study. No time for myself. It was like being in prison. None of my needs got met. I grew up blindly following orders, pretending to be happy and roleplaying to win approval, but on the inside I was dying.
Anyway. Loads more to come. There’s billions of things I need to write about.