I feel so sad right now i came back from london 2 days ago and it seems everything has fallen apart. the trip overall was ok. It was just me and my boyfriend cuz my friend who was suppose to come with us couldn’t cause her mom didn’t let her. London was a very gloomy city so i felt pretty tired and upset. My boyfriend and i got to alot of little arguments but in the end we were okay. I just know that at one point i was just frustrated cuz i felt like all he wanted to do was have sex with me and i just didn’t want to and he when i told him he got all mad and i got even more upset and mad cuz i was like so i gotta sleep with u even though i don’t want to and he is like no its just frustrating and i was like it frustrating for me when u thats all u want to do. well whatever on the last day we were fine and then the flight back home was so long and flights were delayed and 1 of my luggage was lost but thankfully i got it it just came in the next flight. i was getting a strange vibe from him like he didn’t want to be with me. so than i saw him on monday (the day after we came back) and i just got the weridest feeling and i told him it seems like u don’t want to be with me and is like no i do want to be with u. than i asked him if we were going to carpool to school together like we had planned and he was like no i’m not going to get up early cuz u have to go to class (my class starts at 8 and his starts at 10). and i was like well u should have told me that and i wouldn’t have signed up all the way over there and he knew i had classes earlier than him. than usually i stay in his house on the weekends. and now he doesn’t want me to i was just upset and i’m so sad. i feel like he is so selfish and is not willing to do anything for our realtionship and i have to be the one doing everything and going the extra mile while he just sits there and take advantage. i need him right now i feel so sad and alone. my house is just insane. we have no money and we might have to move and today all i felt like doing was crying. i dunno what i’m going to do. i gotta go but i’ll finish later…..

Well i’m back and the past 24 hours have been hell for me. NON STOP CRYING. yesterday my boyfriend called me dring his last break at work and i just let it all out the crying and told him how i felt so alone. and he didn’t say anything so than later that night we were talking and i told him that i need him right now cuz i feel very aone and like evrything is falling apart. and all he could say was that he needed space apart from me. I told him than why don’t u just say that u don’t want to be with me anymore. and he is like cuz i do want to be with you i just need some space to to get my head back in place from the trip to london. so i kept telling him what kind of space why not be alone. and all he said was he needed time to give him till monday. so i said ok but what kind of space do u want to pretend i’m dead or something what? and he said limited communication on the phone and not see me at all. and when he said this my heart broke. cuz i’m always there for him even when he treated me like shit and when I NEED HIM he WON”T MAKE THE EFFORT. I couldn’t sleep i felt like someone ripped my heart out and torn it into pieces. and he couldn’t even say that he was sorry and that cared for me or loved me all he kept saying was i need time give me 5 fucking days. i couldn’t go to sleep all i felt was the pain and couldn’t stop crying. i cried so much and all i kept thinking was what the hell am i going to do now. we are in the exact same shit we were last year. i kept thinking about going to nicaragua leave this friday and come back on tuesday. i want to go cuz my cousin over there understands me and i think that it could help. so i barely sleep and when i woke up i checked tickets to go and they are too much money so i’m stuck. i went to school super early and all i could do on the way was cry and while i was waiting for school the same thing crying holding it in. i couldn’t take it i went into the bathroom stall and i texted my boyfriend this “i know that you asked for your space and i hope im giving it to you but i wanted to let you know that i love u and that i miss u and that i hope u still love me at least a little bit. im sorry for whatever i did this is hard for me and i hope that all this pain will bring us closer.” he never texted me back nothing and i don’t know what to think. i feel like we broke up and that he doesn’t want to be with me. this was his last chance and he is just fucking it up he doesn’t want to sacrifice or make an effort for us. Everything was so much i called my friend lixia and i asked her if i could pass by her house she said ya. so i went and i just broke down told her everything and she said that maybe somethingis wrong with him. and that he is being selfish and an asshole cuz i do everything for hima dn that he is probaly pissed off cuz u didn’t want to be having sex with him all the time in london. cuz he threw in my face how he spent so much money in london. my friend was like u have me to talk to and i asked her if i can stay in her house on saturday and sunday night and she said yes. so i’m glad i got something to do this weekend cuz if i would have to stay home i think i would just go crazy. she works in the same place he does and she said she was gonna talk to him see if he tells her anything. of course she is going to pretend that she hasn’t talked to me at all. so now i’m waiting. he hasn’t called me or texted me nothing. and i feel so alone and hurt and my heart is breaking and i just can’t stop crying. i don’t even want to go to school cuz i end up crying there but i guess it helps cuz i got some kind of distraction but still. I don’t even know if i’m going to see him monday or what nothing. im just worried cuz i know he is going to talk to his cousin and probaly ask him for advice and all his cousin is going to say is i told u not to get involve with ur best friend and that he shoudl just dump me cuz i do nothing for him. WHICH IS A FUCKING LIE!!!!!!!!!! I do so much i do everything i can for him and to help him. why can’t i find someone who is willing to go an extra mile for me like i will for them. i guess all i can do now is wait and try to be strong. I’m hoping it ends well and that this pain goes away.


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