Not as low half because I have been frantically finishing a ten page paper for Tudor England. I haven’t written in so long, but I love the tudor era and it will just devastate me not to get an A on the one thing I should be able to achieve. Overall, alone, but busy ish.
Today in logic recitation Neil, a guy who has slowly worked his way into introducing himself and asking to sit with me, asked me if I wanted to smoke after we got out. I love that he smokes because it makes me feel less abnormal for being a smoker. He asked for my number, he lives in the same building as my friends do, right next door to mine, he and some friends had causually offered an invite to them for a party they were having at their apartment. Small world. He’s sitting next to me in logic, supposedly. It made me smile after weeks of a slow build up to have him make a move. He is probably a creep or an asshole, or just a regular dissapointing guy. I will most likely be writing about some way my interaction with him has hurt me in the next few weeks. It feels better though, to have a diversion, a possibilty for more than what I have right now.
I could laugh, thinking how things have changed in my dating world since high school. Suddenly I am somewhat viable, whereas before I was unpopular, unconnected, shy, naive, awkward, and not that pretty. I’m not venus or anything, but, I attention I never would have before college. I worry that if Neil invites me over to party, none of my friends will want to come, and then it’s awkward…I feel like they will inwardly feel jealous of me, not want to accept connections and invitations I get and want to share with them. If I’m all alone, who wants me? Who wants a girl with no friends?
My friends scare me, I just feel like something awful is going to happen, that they’re reverting to their old mean ways even though I have done NOTHING to provoke anything. At the very least they never think of me, don’t really care about me. It hurts. But I’m tired now, must pick out very slutty outfit to wear to logic tommorrow.