This is hard for me to do, but my goal with this blog is to show the world the deepest layers of myself, which I have failed to share with anyone before now.
I am an attention hog. If I have most of the attention I am perfectly content, but I am also overly jealous. If someone else gets a little extra attention, I feel obsolete. I have to be on top, or I feel like I've hit rock bottom.
I am easily surprised and easily entertained, but only when I feel comfortable or feel on top. If not, then nothing surprises me, and I'm easily bored.
I hate myself, now, for my inability to conform. I want to be normal, but I feel nowhere near normal. I need to grow up. I yearn for someone to just take care of me, and I know that's a problem.
I love school, and I have the most fun learning something new. The problem is that now I don't feel like anything new excites me, and I can't even get up in the mornings for school.
I smoke pot, and I love it when I first start, but by the next day I hate it, becasue I don't feel like myself when I'm on it, but I think I'm addicted =\ I need help with that.
There's actually a lot wrong with me. The sad thing is that everything that's wrong with my life now is all my fault, and only occurred because I couldn't listen to anyone else when they tried to tell me what was best for me. I ran away from home @ 18 and despite my mother's claims that it would be better for me to come back and go to school where I belonged I refused to listen becasue I thought I wanted to go wild and party all the time. Now I have no friends, and my life sucks. That goes to show how stupid I am. Even my friends begged me to come back, but I was so selfish that I didn't care. I guess karma does catch up with ya. I didn't care about my friends or family at all, and now they don't care about me.
My mom also tried telling me that it was best for me if I didn't smoke pot, but my boyfriend told me there was nothing wrong with it. I didn't know- but I didn't listen to my mom and now I think I'm addicted, and smoking pot makes me so depressed, but it's hard to quit when I live here with my boyfriend and he has some all the time. I don't have a car, so I can't ever get away. I feel so stuck, and it's all my fault.
I would do ANYTHING to go back into the past, and relive it all. I would've never ran away or dropped out of HS. It's incredible when I think of how happy I used to be, and how miserable I am now. I used to be so strong but now I am so weak.
I don't feel like anyone appreciates me, but why should they when I don't appreciate myself. I am so scared of everything. I am scared to tell people how I feel. I'm scared to be myself, because I've made so many mistakes. What if I make another one? What if eventually everyone I know hates me. I cling to the people I have left, even if they don't treat me as great as I feel that they should. But how do I know how much I deserve? I thought I knew so much. Thought I was so smart… I am such an idiot.