I was about to go to sleep, but then read something that sparked my attention. I know mom and dad have always – or at least of lately – I can quote at least two times (maybe one was for me, one was for Jayda) dad said that more than anything in the world what he wanted for Jayda and I was to be independent. This is ironic and sad because, our whole teenage years continuining on to (at least) early adulthood this has been what I’ve strived for. There has been a little variation in that earlier on in adolescence I was more people-pleasing. And of course, the more I dig my heels into the ground, the more dad’s (and mom’s) love seems to evaporate.
And now, all I’m trying to do is to figure out if I want to take a psychology course this semester (Security, of all things!) and I don’t know! Mom and dad are on vacation so I can’t talk to them right here. I suppose I could email them, but I think… I’ve already made my decision. I don’t want to take the course.
Why? Not because I’m not interested. Heck, no. Because I’m afraid of the workload? Okay, a little. But mainly because for so long it’s seemed I’ve strived to be independent…and it doesn’t gain me love. It feels futile.
To let you know I just finished deleting a whole irrelevant section about resentment.. But this is not about resentment, it’s about fear. I’m afraid because late last semester I literally threw myself into a tizzy and almost fainted – with the help of caffeine, of course – over some essays. Nonetheless, I really freaked myself out. Mainly I’m afraid, because I need to earn my trust that I’ll be here for myself – not for him or her or performance’s sake. I need to gain my trust that I can work and love (while being marked?!) at the same time.
I think this means I’ll be taking the course because it’ll be easier on me if I don’t have to set my work structure all alone.