I try to be positive, hopefull and strong. Still it is so hard and im a mess trying to get better. My own weaknesses is helping them growing worser than they are and i cant help but to feel ashamed of what i am and what ive done.
I know i have to be strong and dont give it up, but the road is hard. Tomorrow i have a chemistry exam im not prepared for at all. Its my own fault for being a bit hectic and shy. I could have asked for help a few weeks ago fro other college student or even the teacher but i was to ashamed, anxious and shy to ask. I even avoided some classes just becauses they were with some other classroom, i was to dumb and anxiety filled my mind. So i did this mistake and now i have to pay for it.

Trying all day to figure it all out but i just cant. Maybe im not smart after all. But the hell with it im still a student thats why i go to college for. Why didnt i ask for help! Tears fills my eyes, but i have to stay strong. I have to stay calm.

I dont understand why i did that. My schoolcounselor thinks im not high leveled to do this course. I said i can and look at me now. Its like shes proven me wrong, I had an appointment with her but i canceled it. The last thing i need this week is for soebody to tell me im not good enough. I know she means well and ill make another appointment with her next week, but right now ijust want these days of exams to get over. Maybe i am lazy, low leveled, insecure and incapable to stand up for myself. But im trying and even though it might seem not too much for others im doing alot. I just get tired, anxious and depressed too easily. I try to control it but sometimes i just explode. Its time like this i wish i had a friend who I could sit and talk with and help me with school or whatever. at school everybody has a labpartner, me im the one others pick when their labpartners are sick. Im the one they pick the last. Funny, still the same story after 10 years. Most of the time i was at peace with it since im used to it but days like this it just makes me feel worse. Im ashamed of myself for not doing good at chemistry because its my own fault.

Okay, so i need to vent. Thats alright, im human after. But i will try to not let this bring me down gain. I said this is a new beginning andi will try to do my best. If it doesnt work atleast i know i tried. Im going to work harder on the other courses and im going to show my school counselor that im not just a lazy student. I just wish i could make friends, i wish people wouldnt judge me just because i might seem weird or jsut because im different. I want people to look at me and dont be afraid to talk with me or to make contact. I feel so alone today.

But soon there will be a new day. Hoping for it to be better.


1 Comment
  1. WadeAlexander72 13 years ago

    I have done the same and do the same myself when it comes to school. I try not to make waves – to call attention to myself by asking questions. I feel either really stupid for asking anything because I should know already and I also feel bad for "bothering" the teacher to begin with…and coming off feeling like a right jackass. And it screwed me up in school all the time. I spent a lot of time struggling and telling myself: ah next time I”ll do better, next time I”ll make sure to pay attention so I won”t do so bad.

    Meanwhile while this is going on I feel like a real failure and a real dumbass. I”m a failure, I”m stupid, what am I doing here? "obviously" I can”t handle it so why am I fooling myself?

    Next time you have to make sure you ask for help. Ask questions. They are there to teach so they should be ok with it…although I know some teachers are the shits to begin with and are terrible to begin with.


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