I have realized I spend way too much time on the computer and this is not good.

I wish my vanity was not important as I make it. I think its the onyl thing that makes people like me.

I feel a little  embarassed sharing this, but today I bought some makeup foundation because although my skin for the most is clear. I wanted to look even more clear/blemish free today at thanksgiving dinner.

In some respects I didn’t want anyone to notice, but when I got in the car when he picked me up, the first thing he said was your face looks different. He actually commented later one or 2 days how my skin looked better and I had no acne/blemishes. The thing is I was hoping I would look better, but no one would notice if that makes sense.

I was once on a forum where they talked about body issues and they said if a man wears foundation, its always noticeable I do not know if this is true. The persom wrote it almost as FACT. I think I was the only one that responded its not true, maybe someone else did as well to. The thing is that I really do not think it was very noticeable unless you looked super upclose and into my pores. Even then I am still not sure either. It seemed to blend in with my skin tone, just my opinion

But after my dad noticed in the car,  on the way to thanksgiving all I could think about was if other people would notice. I dunno. But in someways it kept me inhibited/held me back from saying certain things I wanted to say, because I thought all they would notice was I was wearing foundation. If it wasn’t this. I would be worried they think my voice sounds gay and that would of kept me inhibited/holding me back from things I would of wanted to say. If it wasn’t that it would of been other things. I KNOW the list. I am glad I made it through thanksgiving and managed. Anyway I lose, but I am glad I focused more on my pores then my voice tonight.

I get so angry that  a lot of times I do not say what I want to say, something is holding me back. Its frustrating. And as weird as OCD, I think in some ways this will prevent me from excerising, because I will be too upset(hard to explain) If I do not excerise I will then be out of shape, if I am out of shape I am worthless(This is how I feel about myself, and I am not talking about others)

My dad is right. I need to find a job and get out of my apartment like right away, Again I think its easier when you live with someone, because they can help you out the door when you live by yourself its not as easy.

I have felt horrible that I had to tell Shawn off, but in truth, he is someone who lives with a family. I do not. I am being very CANDID and HONEST here, because I felt bad for telling someone who deals with autism to stay away from me, and in some ways I had to be VERY VOCAL. I actually was so upset about this as I ran my usual 7 miles I cried the whole time.

But Shawn can compose emails, have thoughts, and uses access to telephones and other devices. He also decided to trash me to members and email me back everything they said about me. I guess I will just hit delete.I have a severe disorder/mental illness its called OCD and I also suffer from SEVERE DEPRESSION, and in no ways its a comparison to Shawn’s but its a disorder I deal and struggle with and years ago I tried ending my life a few times. Once was taking 18 xanax in one sitting 3 years ago. The other time was taking 14 over the conuter sleeping pills at bedtime also around 3 years ago. I was hoping for the best at the time. Thankfully I failed. Trust me I will never do that again.

Makes no mistake about it. I do not do well most days, and sedate myself a good part of the time. I need a job and a life. A relationship I think would probably be good for me, but to this I need to actually not be agorahpobic and leave my house more often.Thanks for letting me share my thoughts with you.

Although, its nice when people tell me I am cute. Looks can be deceiving. Again, this is just my perspective and thoughts. But I swear to God, God was kind in the looks different, because he did not give me good mental