So I've resorted to blogging as anotherescape from this world… Hi. My name's Adrian & I'm a 21 year old male fromSouth Africa. I'm hoping that here I can let myself go, seek help & advice from those that can relate,aswell asbe of some help for others too. Pardon the direct intro, I'm just so over repeating myself to no avail… Okay… I don't even know where to start… I have so much on my mind… So much crap haunting me… Uhm… I'm just gonna start with what's on the forefront of my mind right this moment, regardless of order or importance… If anything I worry about is of any importance at all… I really donno anymore. So, I had a bit of an episode the other night. I guess it was due since I've managed to hold myself in for such a long time, by my typical frequency of freaking out anyways… So here goes: I met this girl on a night out for Halloween. We danced, got pretty close, kissed (the best kiss I've ever had) & that's about where it ended. Now that may seem like an invalid reason for me to have been so upset the day after. But it was those small turn of events that sparked & reignited a whole ward of wounds… What wounds exactly? My ex & how close we used to be before my mental & emotional distress caused a brutal breakup… Found out over FB that she had given birth to a child. No-one besides one guy, & the last guy I expected told me about this… My daughter is 4 years last month & I still haven't met her yet… I had no idea my ex was pregnant when we broke up… She apparently didn't even know she was pregnant until she went into labour… Anyways. She hates my guts & I understand. I hate my guts too.So I have to speak to her mother in order to check up on the little one. We live in different cities, so travelling isn't just an up-&-go solution.So long story short & with minimal morbidity, I have a daughter I've never met & that will probably grow up having a more difficult life than neccessary because of me… And that eats me alive… For this & various other reasons I'll spew in later blogs, I feel I've become the horrible person I've always said I'll never ever be… I dropped out of school… Ihurt A LOTof people close to me, that no doubt wish to see me 6 feet under… I was popular become infamous due to my suicidal tendencies at the time… A number of things I really don't feel like going over & recalling right now led me to where I am now… Backtracking a bit -I loved my ex very much. I would have laid down my life for her without hesitation. I still would. I no longer have feelings for her, but I feel I owe her that at least… I'm ridden with guilt… She (my ex) isthe only girl I ever slept with& that was only because I really thought it was forever… Now I'm not the kinda guy that has 'once off fun' forthe night. So I got this girls number that I got so close with the other night & it seems that I was just a 'good time' while the moment lasted & that upsets me A LOT. And that got me thinking about my ex & the fact that a relationship with this girl couldn't work anyway, because I had a daughter (that I'm not really acting father to as I probably should, but that's a complicated story of its own), I'm a pathetic dropout that lives with his parents & shares a room with his 14 year old brother. Has no sustainable income every month, can't hold a job cause my head is forever muddled with crap frompast events. Indulge myself in the occasional drug in an attempt to ease the pain… (No I'm NOT an addict & drugs are NOT a problem in my life).I went from golden to grey & I donno what happened… I tried so hard… And I failed… I was destined for great things… I don't even know if the above makes any sense at all…It's difficult tryna explain my depression in bits without the whole picture… But painting that picture in one canvas is more words than this "write a blog" box could ever handle… So I'm just gonna end this blog here for the time being… It's only taken me just shy of 2 hours straightto write this little bit… Don't even know if it was worth my time. Not that my time is worth anything anymore… Anyways. If anyone took the time to read this blog without merely scanning through it looking for bullet points, I thank you very much. It means alot to me. Cause where I'm fromyou live,learn & burn alone… It's hard… There isn't even support groups or therapists here that care… Everything in this place wants to suck your bank account dry & pretend like they give a damn about anything other than themselves…So thanx.I can't be online as much as I'd like, cause internet here costs a fortune… But I'll try blog & help out as much as I can. Thanx for your time. Peace.
S1nful_Sa1nt, , Depression, Anxiety, Career, Child, Depression, Relationships, Social Anxiety, Suicide, 1