I woke up at 1:30 today. Couldn't go back to sleep. I tossed and turned for a while and decide that I'd better get on my knees about all this shit that's been bothering me. It was a hard thing to see in myself: I've been mad at God. Mad at him for letting something terrible happen to someone I love dearly. It was a hard prayer to say. Humbling. I'm sorry is hard to begin with, it's harder to say to someone who's known you were wrong the whole time you denied it.

As hard as it was to say I'm sorry, it was even harder to say thank you. If I believe in God the way I say I do I have to be grateful for whatever He gives me, even if it's something that hurts as much as this did, it's for my good. It's a push to grow. It's a catalyst for maturity. I had to apologize to the individual that got hurt. Not because I had anything to do with it, but because I was mad at her for the decisions she made that put her in the situation she was in. I had judged her by what I hought her intentions were, and not by what God was telling me in my heart. Humbling again.

It's about control. These months have shown me that I have no control whether I'm there or not, that life happens – ready or not.

I can't wait to get home to my support group. I need them. I need contact with my sponsor. Email is good, and these forums are good, but I miss the intimacy and reality of those rooms. It's amazing, I've spent the past 5 months in a country that outlaws alcohol. You can't get it anywhere here, but this has been the hardest 5 months of my sobriety so far. I dare say it's been the hardest 5 months of my life. Live and learn!

Peace~

Kelsey