This is my first post. I don’t have all my thoughts together, but I came here to try to find myself. And hopefully find my people. That’s a goal of mine this year.

Right now I’m very new to exploring online or in person with anyone about real trans issues, except for 2 appointments with a female hormone doctor who prescribed me something to help with my PMDD (which had the benefit of mostly stopping my periods as well). I’m 6′, about 270, and have way beyond DDD breasts. Have always had large breasts. I think I had a C cup by age 10. I hated it then I hate it more now. The more they’ve grown the more they keep my breath trapped, like my lungs are being crushed. I find great joy and have aspirations to be a good a good singer someday, and my giant boobs (plus years of working as a CNA in nursing homes) has made my back messed up. They’re massively in the way. Men touching them doesn’t do much for me. I don’t get any joy out of them.

Right now I’m in kind of a stuck place. I just lost my job, lost my work insurance and had to go back on Obamacare. I don’t know what all that covers but I know top surgery would not come cheap and I do not have the resources to be able to pursue that as an option anytime in the foreseeable future. I was referred to a ‘Fertility Center’ (kind of unfortunate name for the only place in town that offers help with female hormone issues, which I have many. I am curious about testosterone.

When I’m depressed like I have been basically all of this calendar year due to a sequence of unfortunate events: catching covid, getting a kidney infection from it, being bedbound for a month, then struggling with exhaustion and depression when I returned to my frontline healthcare job, and then getting fired and my car broke down, got a new one, then that one broke down 3 times and then the catalytic converter was stolen over night, so…I’m not in a good place money wise, and don’t know when I ever will be and I’m in a deeper depression than any I’ve dealt with in the last like 7 years. With no resources. And I suck at technology. I hate googling stuff, I know that’s a dumb thing to hate, but I do hate google. It’s like I don’t know what words to put in what order to get anything I actually am looking for online. And I avoid social media for the most part because it’s a pit of hatred I have no interest in participating in, especially for mental health reasons.

I’m trying to apply for disability for my PMDD and Bipolar I/schizoaffective. I also struggle with self-medicating. Nothing illegal, but I know it’s really not helping me. My therapist just quit. And my psychiatrist says she’s not willing to write me a letter of support to be able to actually get an appointment at the Fertility Center where they referred me. So here I am…at home all day, struggling to get out of bed, much less find it in me to exercise or do much of anything most days. Trying not to gain weight because my only recourse and way forward in feeling the right amount masculine, which to me is just not-feminine. I don’t want the boobs. I would be down with a low voice, and body hair is hot, the clit enlargement appeals. No interest in having a penis at this point. I’m a total bottom anyway. But I don’t feel like I have a right to ‘pretend’ to be any kind of male or masculine, because my figure, my curves just kill any chance of an illusion right now.

A lot of times I don’t like to think about myself. Or my life. I don’t like my body or my life a lot of days, and I retreat into my very gay imagination. I just feel kind of invalid ….

Like I’m a default woman because I can’t hide or get rid of my breasts. But it’s not a binary. I just…if I could magic my body into a different shape the boobs would go right away. But since that seems impossible I don’t know where the f*** to try to even go from here except to maybe throw some words onto the internet and hope someone reads them and acknowledges that this is….a trans issue, I guess. Maybe it’s well known. I don’t know, I can’t find anyone’s experiences with wanting to appear and sexually function as a primarily masculine individual with other men.

I want to be able to say: I’m gay. And not feel shame and doubt and like I don’t deserve to make that claim because of my giant obnoxious breasts. I don’t know right now if I’ll ever get there.

When I have a good day and I look in the mirror or do like a face beard adding selfie thing, I can almost see myself. I can see who I could develop and grow into if I had the chance. But I don’t know how to find a chance, and depression has me feeling to defeated to know where to look. Does anyone have any videos or articles or anything about large breasts in the FTM community and like…how to deal with that?

I don’t know if anyone will even read this.

Love you all

-Davida

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