I haven't been on this site in ages… to be honest I haven't needed it. I got to a place where I was really happy in myself and I could cope with evrything life threw at me. I did really well in my exams, got in to uni and even had time off in between! I was great.

But now I swear i'm back to square 1. I feel utter dispair constantly and i'm trying SO FUCKING HARD not to be like this but I can't stop. One minute I'll be absolutely fine and having a good time and the next minute I feel like there is a huge weight on top of me or im tied down and I cant move. It feels like I cant breath.Today I got upset and I said to my boyfriend I dont know why it is and he said "you've gotta understand it from my point of view.. i don't like it when you're like this.. i don't know what to do". He thinks its the pill that is making me like this but I know its not because i've been in the exact same position before. The thing is i've not had the easiest of lives and I've told him everything that has happened to me and what all of my problems were so why isn't he connecting that I need help NOW.

I feel so fucking alone.. I'm just sitting crying alone in my room whilst my boyfriend is downstairs getting high with his friends and i don't understand why. Maybe I'm expecting too much of him. I honestly don't know. I mean I've tried telling him so many times.

People don't take people like me serious though, I'm a joke and always will be.. People think that because I'm such a happy fucking glorious person that when I try and be serious that I'm joking. I've had enough of it. I've desperately fought with myself tonight trying not to cut deep in to my arms or make myself sick or drink alot of vodka. SO FUCKING HARD but in the end it's futile because i will do it anyway… i know i will.

It helps my pain