So for those who do not know, I have generalized anxiety disorder in addition to depression, along with panic attacks on occasion (used to be crippling but has become a lot better to the point I can function again).
I was talking to my ex today and we got into a bit of an argument because she said I was pushing her too hard and trying to change her behaviors when she's perfectly happy with who she is. Fact is I'm not happy with who she is right now, she's kind of become a cold and selfish person compared to the woman she used to be, who'd always be into romance and sweet things but now that all seems shut off and shut out. She'd get like this in spurts so I'm riding it out but that's really not the point here.
She pointed out something that made me ponder my interactions with people and how I'm approaching this whole depression thing. Perhaps I'm overthinking it, she said "You analyze everything to death, you act like feelings are wrong and you need to explain them away and you aren't above all that you're human." Human I am indeed.
Things kind of devolved and I realize I'm pushing her and my chances of friendships with other new people away but being so constant in my need to talk about depression and talk about feelings and talk about how life should be or what I want or don't have or do have. Living is harder for me, how do you shut the thoughts off?
I've been trying meditation to solve it but it doesn't seem to work yet, but I'm keeping at it. Maybe I'm trying too hard to be an ideal rather than just trying to be happy. Am I missing the point here? Yes I'd like to change so that I am a better person but I'd much rather change so I'm a happier person or someone people like to be around, because low social interaction makes me feel bad.
I don't know what to think anymore to be honest…