Depression makes it so we REALLY don't feel like we want to do things. Yet somehow you have to force it anyway and it helps. I just got home, it's 9:40 PM here and I left for work at 7:30 this morning. I went to work, went to class, then went to my lab for 4 hours and wrote code and rewired a microprocessor to some motors and got shit done.

I wish I could've gone to the gym today but the time wasn't there. I'll do it tommorow, along with another assignment and maybe a small amount of studio time. I feel like everyone around me is lazy and I'm depressed so I want to be lazy too but I can't let myself. I've got Wednesday booked otu going to a rave, 6 hours of solid dancing should pick me back up. Then maybe another Friday if I'm feeling it but also just more and more programming, to finish my work, and going to work 8-6, grinding away and putting money in my bank.

I can't help but feel if my ex didn't hate me maybe she'd be proud. I kind of think of her as a role model, she's tough, she's got grit, she came from nothing and made an amazing life for herself and she's way smarter than I am. One day I will be like that but for now I need to accept that I'm depressed, I'm messed up and I'm working on it, and I'm digging myself out of a large hole of mistakes I've made in my life. It's not going to be easy and I need to be patient because the good times are a long ways away but I need to keep plugging away.

I've got a basic plan for my life, which is to pick up college credits, pick up cash and keep trying to find a higher paying job while working on music on the side, not because I think of a career there but because it's what I love. One day I'll pay off my student loans, and be debt free. One day I won't date overweight losers who do nothing with their lives, one day I'll be able to find someone great like my ex who has ambition and drive.

For now I just keep going and keep these 12-14 hour days and be proud that I can keep being badass and working at it. I just think of my ex, I think of that type of person and how I want to be that and how proud she'd be when it's all said and done.