I am so not in the mood for a pity party. I'm in the middle of something in the kitchen. You know, productive, homey. A song comes on my stereo, it's on shuffle see, and its a song that always reminds me of Troy. He was the 2nd fianceé I buried. Then whad'ya know, another song comes on that not only reminds me of him but was the song playing when it dawned on me I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He didn't know this at the time but Come On! This isn't shuffling! This is false advertising! I just got sad all of a sudden. I'm a mess. I guess I should turn off the stereo because if I hear one more Grateful Dead or R.E.M. or Big Star song I'm gonna break something. It makes me weep with such rage, such contempt for humanity to look back on his death. He was murdered in cold blood and in death his family couldn't collect the insurance to arrange his funeral because they found THC in his system. If I live to 1000 years I will never understand that. They caught the guy, child more like it, he was 17 years old. I love these songs. They represent a wonderful, happy time in my life. But for some reason my mind went to the dark place. I'm lucky my boyfriend wasn't here. I know he loves me & he's seen the worst of me & still loves me but I still can't trust him with this information. He tries to get me to talk about Troy & Storm and I do to a point but I don't want him to see me still hurting from it. I want him to know I've gotten over it. And I have it's just that the pain will never completely go away. These moments of sheer helplessness need to be experienced to the fullest so I can get it all out. That couldn't happen if he was in the house. I'm calmer now. As I wipe the tears off the keyboard. I can breathe again. Goddam Chinese Brothers! I'm gonna burn that Reckoning CD. I'm turning off the stereo.

 

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