I've been away a long time, over a year and a half. Mostly because my life has been in constant upheaval and I'm forever moving on. Things have greatly changed since my last blog entry, and all for the worse.

I've been living out of a suitcase for almost 3 years, often hitching rides from state to state, up and down the coast… renting crummy rooms in strangers homes and cheap motels.

I've been completely rejected and alienated by most of my family, who view me as a total failure for being mentally ill and out of work. I have only one friend, who lives far away and is unable to help. I'm more or less completely alone in the world, a nameless drifter.

My journey began a few years ago on the SC coast. It was my sincere hope and dream to live by the sea… and maybe start a small charter fishing biz. Sadly that plan all fell apart, and I found myself hitching my way up to NY to visit my mom. Unfotunately she's very old, ill (alzheimers, dementia) and the bottom fell out. That was 5 months of hell, and I found myself living in deplorable flop house conditions, often dangerous as well. When local gang members made death threats for being on their turf, I decided to flee.

I returned to the south, and tried again to pursue my dream of living by the ocean. But everywhere I went I found only poverty, liars, users, thieves, psycho/drug addicts and the lot. I was ripped off for rent money at least 4 times by scumbag junkies who lied to me, to grab some easy money and run.

Eventually I gave up and hitched back to Atlanta, because there are more housing opportunities there, or so I thought. But not many people will open their doors to a mentally ill guy on disability with no car. City dwellers aren't at all trusting, and their demands are high. Large deposits I can't afford, long term leases I do not want, etc etc. And there's also a lot of prejudice against males as well as the mentally ill, since 90% of people renting rooms want only a female tenant, and many of those renters are men. On top of all that are the rental scam swindlers who kept trying to sucker me in.

Anyway after 2 months I was again being pushed to the street, because my landlord was selling the home and losing his job, and I couldn't find a place to go. In desperation I made a quantum leap. There was a lady friend I'd met online, who seemed pretty cool, at least on the phone. She recently had a nice house built, and invited me to stay. She was willing to exchange yard work & landscaping for a room in her home. I was completely burned out on moving from place to place, year after year, and desperate for stable housing and a reduction in bills. It seemed like a pretty good offer, so I decided to go. Unfortunately she was all the way across the country, in deep Utah mountains. Nonetheless, I used most of my monthly disability to buy a plane ticket and make the journey.

So now here I am, in a tiny ghost town, in the high desert hills. Now living in a crappy motel all alone. A motel I can not afford. The reason for that is, after only a few days, this woman began showing her true colors. Although I was the perfect guest and did a lot of hard work for her, she became very abusive. She is dangerously unstable and hostile. Borderline personality disorder to the Nth degree. She constantly attacked my character and was cutting me down. Doing her best to degrade and humiliate me, and destroy my self esteem, to dominate and control me like a slave. She kicked me around like a worthless stray dog, and I lived in constant fear of her temper. After a month of abuse I could take it no more, and stood up to her bullying, threats and abuse. As a result I was kicked out and tossed to the wolves.

I managed to get to a motel, but her abuse didn't stop. Yesterday she began making insane paranoid accusations, claiming I'm stalking her and conspiring with her friends to destroy her life. She's been threatening to call the cops and have me arrested for god only knows what. She demanded I leave town immediately or she'll make up lies and have me thrown in jail.

I don't know what will happen next, and I'm living in fear. I've never felt so alone in my life. I traveled 2300 miles hoping to finally have a decent stable home… and get back on my feet.. only to find myself in a much worse place, and the target of a psychotic stranger I thought was a friend. Now I'm sitting alone in a motel room in a coal mining town, deep in the cold rugged Utah mountains. Internet cuts off constantly, my laptop is dying, and I have no car. There is no one to call, and no way back east.

I'm trying to make an appointment at the county clinic, to speak with a counselor and get back on meds. My depression & anxiety are way off the charts, and my PTSD is reeking havoc on my mind. But I can't even afford treatment at this time. I can't do this alone, I really need help, some kind of support and advice.

I'll probably disappear again very soon, and if I do, take your pick. Offline, broken computer, hitching down the highway, homeless, in jail or dead. The mountains surrounding me are rather beautiful, but so barren, rough and cold. The snow will soon fall as winter sets in. Lately I fantasize about climbing the tallest of the mountains and leaping to my death. Wish I could fly like an eagle, until I am free. Fly like an eagle, back to the sea.

4 Comments
  1. carrotflower 7 years ago

    I know that you are feeling so alone right now, but I think it is a good thing that you posted here and want to hear from other people. It sounds like it has been a tough few years for you. Hang in there though, don't give up. If you have made it this far, you can continue even though it seems near impossible right now. I'm here if you want to talk, you are not alone.

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  2. Zero1 7 years ago

    Thank you Carrotflower, that means a lot. Don't know how I'll get out of this mess, and I feel like such a fool.

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  3. Mz_Unda_Std 7 years ago

    My goodness. i can't even imagine what you are going through right now. I agree with Carrotflower, it is good you reached out here. TImes are tough but you are not alone. Don't feel foolish. You did what you felt was the right thing to do. Please find a local clinic ASAP and get some help. They can probably help you find resources for houising somewhere. Don't give up hope. Hang in there. Big Hugs.

    Eve

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  4. Zero1 7 years ago

    Thanks Mz, I called clinic but can't setup appointment until I have hard copy proof of income which I don't. No idea how I'll get that document. I wish they would not have made this demand, I need a counselor immediately. Money is another problem. Right now I'm forced to face this alone. Online support is all I have.

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