I just found out my son lost his job, his first job. I was so relieved and happy that he was doing something that he liked. So here we are with him looking for work. I unfortunately reacted badly when my son told me he lost his job and I apologized for ripping into him. So now I feel guilt on top of all the other stuff!

 

I got some medical bills on my son…that should have been covered but there not. My X has to supply health insurance for my son and from what I’m being told is X hasn’t met his deductible for the year so I’m left holding the bills. To hell I am!! $200.00 is not going to just my responsibility…so let the battle begin. X and I have always been on bad terms since the beginning of the divorce process so this is going to be a job<please note sarcasm in my voice>

 

I am happy to say that my current husband is being more attentive, which is a relief. At times I feel like I’m floating through the world with no tether when I can’t express myself to my husband. He has been very wrapped up with his work which creates negative energy that oozes all over me. Today when I was talking to him he was listening more to what I was saying. I realize that he has his rough days too but I can’t deal with no one hearing me!

 

Random acts of compassion. My friend who lives in CA out of the blue called me today and told me she was glad to be my friend and how much balance I give her. Wow! I was so grateful that she called me today to tell me this. While I’m still feeling ‘this way’ anything positive in a day is a good thing.

I’m exhausted. I keep having tears well up in my eyes. My stomach hurts..has knots in it. I can’t tell if I feel shattered inside or just numb. I hate it when I can’t feel what is really happening to me! What happen to the chat room?? I relied on the chat room when I have days like this.

 

Yesterday I had a flashing thought that hasn’t come up for a long time now. That being the need to cut myself, while I have never actually done it I have (when really depressed) had fantasies about cutting myself. Before I understood better what I was thinking because I used to think I was having suicide thoughts I now know it’s not that. No my exit plan was always something very different.

 

Being able to write this does help, some. I must allow my emotional body to release and relax.