It’s bad.

It hurts real bad.

She’s happy… good. Atleast I’ve gotten better at not ruining her life. I just can’t stand this in between thing. I can’t stand being alone and losing all hope that we will get back together without and evidence except the fact that she doesn’t call.

I don’t know what to do.

I need a plan… I need action. I lack patience, I now. But how do I sit here trying to enjoy life when all I want is some one to love and to love me. I’m so alone even though I have more confidence that I have had in years. I know it’s hard to meet people and make a life for yourself but I feel like if that’s what I had to do I could do it.

I would call her if that would solve it.
I would move back to Washington…
I would move to Seattle, get a job, and enjoy building my new life but instead I am here in California driving myself insane with isloation. I call my friends and that makes me feel better for a minute. I walk the streets looking to find something to do and it makes me feel better for being around people but it doesn’t last. Because my thoughts always go back to CT. She may still be on the plan… she may still love me and be waiting for me to work out my issues but she gives me no reassurance. If I call her I risk letting my emotions take over and pushing her away. But the longer it goes where she doesn’t call me, the more thoughts I get of her with other people. Thoughts that she realized she doesn’t need me and she is just trying to protect me by not telling me.

So what if I knew. What if she calls tomorrow and tells me it’s definately over? I guess, I suffer some more but I finally move on. But this time I leave the door open. Instead of me being the one pushing her away and not wanting to get back together, it will be her pushing me away. I would probably feel better knowing that when I do move on and when I do make a new life for myself, she will want me back, and I will accept her.

Or she says she still wants me to get better before we talk about ‘us’. Then I wait more. I live this life of unknowing. She goes to London and I get some job in L.A. until April when I move back to Washington. I stress about a job and school while still trying to make friends and entertain myself. While I still think about her everyday and wonder why she isn’t calling. Wonder why I get more calls from old friends instead of from her, the woman who says she loves me.

I deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve this pain. I won’t hurt her… that is not my goal. But I am a good person. I am a good catch. I would do so much better in a relationship now. Especially if it was with a girl who wasn’t going off to school after every holiday. I don’t blame her. I don’t blame anyone any more. It’s not even my fault. It’s just something I have to get through. I just don’t like the lack of options. I don’t like not having the patience and be happy while I wait for the answers. I’m a motivated person. Tell me what to do and I will do it. I just don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to be alone.