I have a therapist and I’ve been seeing her for two years now but every now and then things get really bad. This time it feels different though. I’ve lost interest in things I used to love and I look forward to sleeping so I don’t have to be awake. I feel so alone and I wonder why me. My family is so supportive but it doesn’t matter. Every time I think about the rest of my life, I’m terrified that I’m never going to get better. I’m scared that I’m going to spend my whole life feeling this way and if that’s the case I’d rather know so I can just kill myself. I’m really trying to make it through but sometimes I just wish it was all over. I’m on meds and they were kind of working but now I guess they aren’t but this is my second medication and I’m worried that nothing will ever work. I think that some people are just destined to never be happy and what if I’m one of those people. Another thing I hate about my medication is that it makes me so tired and groggy. I’m a student at a rigorous school, like I don’t have time to be sleeping for like 12-15 hours a day. Sometimes I go off my meds so I won’t be tired but then my mental health gets worse but I can think clearer and I just wonder why are those my options: feeling clear headed or feeling like I don’t want to die. The hardest part is that people around me don’t get it. Like they claim that they understand that people have depression but then they’ll look at my life or how I might act at times and they’ll take that as proof that everything’s fine and it isn’t. I look forward to the weekends so I don’t have to go to school and be around people. This isn’t healthy behavior and I don’t know what to do. Being a human being is hard. Sometimes I wish I could get acknowledgement for not going home when things are really bad but people don’t give out awards for that sort of thing because they expect you to do it. Other people don’t see how hard it is for me to be a functional human being who eats, sleeps a normal amount, cares about things. The worst part is that my depression never used to affect my school life and now it is. I’m participating in class less and I’ve had multiple teachers ask me on multiple occasions if I’m okay or what’s wrong. I’m scared that this time is different because no matter how bad life was in the past I could always find the energy to do well in school and enjoy school and participate but now I dread school. I just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and know for sure that this rut will end and I can go back to feeling normal.

1 Comment
  1. kenziekr 4 years ago

    I literally am in the exact situation except my meds are not working. recently, things were going well until I became suicidal again and started cutting again after I had been clean for a while. Now i’m back to being petrified of going to school and leaving the house. If you want to talk about this I will be glad to talk with you because trust me, I understand. <3

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