Lately I just feel stuck. Stuck with these intrusive thoughts about being sexually assaulted again. It’s like.. I have these fears that it could happen again. And then I think about the past, about how I wish I never was assaulted and I wish I never met him. I feel like it was my fault. It happened 8 years ago and I’ve been speaking about it in therapy for a while, but I still feel like it just happened yesterday. I have PTSD from the sexual assault. If I’m walking around in public and I notice a guy looking at me, I might have to cross the street, because I think he might assault me. I’m always on edge, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep at night. I can’t relax, I’m always hyper-vigilant, I’m always keyed up. I can’t stop my mind from racing, it just goes and goes and goes. I’m stuck in this cycle.. stuck thinking about this sexual assault that happened years ago. Stuck in fear about what will happen next. Who will find out? When will I ever find relief? When will I ever get back to my old self? When will I recover fully? Will I ever recover?
It feels hopeless sometimes. I’m going to therapy… I’m telling myself I’m safe. But I still feel awful. I still dissociate often. I know it’s my brain’s way of protecting myself, but it is so frustrating.

I sometimes have flashbacks, where I’m suddenly transported back to his bed. I see myself lying there, naked and vulnerable. I can’t move, but I’m screaming. In the moment that the flashback hits,  I feel the fear and pain that I felt that night. It takes over, paralyzing my body. I feel stunned.. like I literally can’t do anything. Then I’m back in the present, but now I’m dissociating, looking up at the ceiling. I’m no longer in my body, I’m no longer on Earth. It takes me a minute to get back into my body, to catch my breath, to get back to the present… the real present.

I’m so frustrated with this cycle. I just want to feel better and get unstuck. But I don’t know how anymore and I’m not sure I can.