Hi everyone….This is my first blog, and I'm kinda scared to write this and have you guys read it, yet I'm excited though. (well anxious but I say scared). I don't put myself out there usually like this- It's scary out there. Most people don't know what's going on inside my head. When something is going on I put up this fake me. You know a smiley face, a happy attitude, and act like nothing is wrong. I've gotten SO good at this that most people (except my close friends and family) can't even tell. People have their own problems and stuff in their life they don't need mine too. Plus I'm scared that if everyone knew what was really going on in my head then they'd judge me or run away. Stupid anxiety!

*Start actual blog now…*

K well I dunno really where to start…. so here goes… 

I've just been having a rough time the past couple days but I haven't really let any one know that. But now everyone knows. I dunno where to start to explain it but I'll try….

I just feel so…. so alone. I have my family and all of you guys but I still feel alone. And I think it's because I still have a hole, an empty place in my heart from where my ex boyfriend used to be. He was my first boyfriend and we dated for 5 years. It's been 4 years since we broke up and I'm still having a difficult time. I'm doing fine for the most part. I just live my life but every now and then something reminds me of him and then I get really sad and think about how it used to be. Then I think about how he's married now and about to be a daddy to twins. I'm happy for him but sad too. I dunno just weird feelings and a WHOLE range of emotions when it comes to him. So I'm gunna stop talking about him because it's hard to not get emotional when I do.

Anyway I just feel that since without him or anyone that fills that hole I just feel so empty. I know that I don't need him or any other guy to rely on or be dependent on. I know that I can live my life by myself with the help of my friends. I was finally able to do this and was doing well until a couple days ago. I dunno it's hard, life is hard, no one said life would be easy, I know I know I know.  It just threw me off my feet and wasn't expecting this. Oh well, I got a really good friend out of this at least (Hi buddy!).

Oh yeah and another thing (There lots of stuff that goes around in my crazy brain), I've been very umm pessimistic if that's the word. I just feel like no one will ever want me or pick me except only to get down my pants. I can't even tell you all how many guys just want down my pants. They don't care about me, they don't care that I'm nice to everyone and always do the right thing. They just think I'm hot and wanna get down my pants. I'm not all about that. There's more to me than just my body. And it just makes me doubt myself and thinking negatively about myself. If I was awesome and great then they would want more than just down my pants. If I had a good personality they'd actually wanna date me. And I must not be really that good because they always like other girls and never pick me. I've been told several times that it's not me that it's these guys and that not all guys are like that. It's just hard cuz I'm in school and the only ones that I seem to find or that find me just want down my pants. AHHHHHHHHH! It makes me SO mad! Grrrrrrr

So, I think that's all I really wanna say right now. I'm tried of typing all the stuff that's going around in my brain right now. And I'm sure all of you are ready for me to stop talking and stop complaining. And I will but I want to say one last thing:

STUPID anxiety it sucks and boys that just want to get down girls' pants suck just as much as anxiety!

k that's all, the end. Thank you for reading lol