i tried to have a father daughter connection with him. i tried so hard. but the sad truth is i dont remember the first year of my life, i dont remember him being my father, and i dont feel like he is now. i feel so terrible for rushing into this with such haste, because i think i may have gotten a lot of peoples hopes up. i feel so guilty for not considering how this might affect everyone involved in this situation, not even my own self. i didnt even consider that this might be hard for me. how could i not even think about that? i was just so angry. angry at my mom. wanting to believe that i atleast had a parent who cares. but when i find i have one who cares too much too fast, i just want to run, because its too real, its too much. i cant do it. i discovered things about my heritage that i found to be deeply disturbing. that my fathers side of the family have some very deep seeded problems that have been going on for generations. now that ive finally had time to sit down and think about it all i just realize how fucked up beyond belief it is. having a grandfather in prison for child molestation, having an uncle in prison for killing his wife. having another uncle in prison for selling drugs on school property. child molesters left and right. cousins marrying cousins, incest, i mean ffs i found out my fathers dad and mom are first cousins. and my father just acted so cavalier about these issues. probably because his family had more than likely been like this for generations and they are just all desensitzed. they have this family stretch of land. with a few different houses. they all lived there when i was a baby. like it was a compound almost. and outsiders werent excepted to well. and it seems like their mindset is to keep family so close its smothers them. and when youre doing fucked up things like inbreeding and molesting kids in your family i could see why they dont want family to have anything to do with anyone who is not family. and the house where i spent the first year of my life is all locked up and apparently falling apart inside and when i have looked at it while im out there on the "compound" (really thats the only way you can describe it.) looking at that house just gives me an uneasy feeling. like i can feel in my gut that bad things happened in that house and maybe even to me in that house. the vibrations it gives off are just so forboding, like theres generations of bad energy concentrated inside all of those walls.
the more ive had to sit down and really think about it all the more and more i feel like this was a mistake. i feel like these people see me as a prize posession that had been missing for 22 years. they just all jumped into my life at once and tried to make their selves so involved. not even considering that i have no memory of them and how overwhelming it might be for me to take in that these people are my flesh and blood. to know that this is what i came from. and honestly, i just dont feel that conncection. and i almost feel like they tried to make themselves so involved that it almost brainwashes me into making myself apart of that family and lying to myself about feeling some sort of family bond with these people when i dont. i was missing sleep, i felt like i was in a haze, and i feel like he took advantage of that. i mean he tried to dominate every second of every minute of everyday from the first time i talked to him on the phone up to a few days ago when i started pulling back a little bit. it feels like he almost calculatedly took up all of my time so i wouldnt have any time to sit and process every little thing. if i couldnt think about it for oh say, weeks, or months on it i would just come to accept it, him, trying to change everything about my life and control my every move when im 24 years old, that side of the family being so messed up, i would just accept it as my new way of life and let him keep me as a posession. i mean its not normal for any 24 year old girl to spend every waking second with their father. even if he hasnt seen her in 22 years. the whole past two weeks seem like a total blur because ive been smothered to the point of not even having the privacy of my own thoughts. and from what ive heard all of my life, thats the way he works. he tries to be charming at first so he can move in on you and ambush you before you even realize whats going on. i just felt a very unhealthy and controlling relationship forming and that is the last thing i need to deal with ontop of everything else im dealing with. and ive caught him in a few small lies too. it just makes me realize that i shouldnt trust him because he hasnt done anything to earn my trust. and he knew when i found him i'd be vulnerable and he took advantage of that by playing himself up to be far better than he is.
and its just all too much to take in at once. i just cant do it. i mean when im at the point where im considering just making everything stop for good just because i know i cant go back two weeks in time and not contact him then i know that this is not going to work. has it even been two weeks? or has it been more? or less? everything has been such a blur that i feel like i dont know up from down at the moment.