I attended church today… as the priest was doing his sermon, my mind was wandering as I could not understand what he was saying because of his thick accent. I really don't know how my thoughts jumped to this but suddenly I was wondering what medicines to take in case I wanted to commit suicide. I was thinking of the quickest way to die. If antihistamines would do the trick since I don't know any drugs with sleeping side effects that would be easily accessible over the counter.Would they hurt? Or will I just sleep and suddenly stop breathing? How many tablets do I need to take to do the trick? Then I thought about hanging myself but that was just too messy. As I was undecided on what to do, I thought of what I would say on my suicide note. As far as I am concerned it is only my father who would be sad if I do die. My mother has never had any high expectations from me (as I recently found out), my sister hates me and would probably celebrate my demise and my brother doesn't care for me or our family for that matter.

On my letter I would probably say I am sorry to my father. As a papa's girl my father has always been my number 1 supporter. I I would say I am sorry I broke his heart and I have failed him as a daughter. I would be sad that I can never hug him or laugh with him. I would say to my mother that I tried very hard to be the perfect daughter but I am sorry I always fall short on her expectations. I could never be a beautiful, smart, responsible, dutiful enough daughter to her. I am sorry I could never provide her with grandkids and enough money to make her life comfortable. By taking my own life I would have probably shamed her to her church friends. I would tell my sister that this is the moment that she has been waiting for…my ultimate failure.I hope my death finally causes her happiness and a feeling of triumph. I would tell my brother to be more involved in the family and have better relationship with them. I would tell them that I have chosen this path and they should be happy for me because I am now at peace.

Would I ever write this down in a piece of paper or will it forever be only in my mind? Who knows…