One of the only thing in this world that I am sure of, is that I love my husband. He’s let me down, plenty of times, and he breaks promises like most people say hello, and goodbye, but… I do believe in him, and love him, with everything that I am. (This is largely in response to a very kind, and thought provoking comment posted by meme, recently, and I wanted to thank her for that comment.) My husband got depressed, (and the recreational drugs we use killed his libido) and he stopped touching me, a long time ago (years ago, really), and that’s been really hard. If it’d been anyone else, I probably would’ve left (after all my failed efforts to fix it.) But, I love him more than anything.
Do I miss my friend? Of course I do. It hurts like hell. We’ve had no contact, since the fit hit the shan, and he really was my best friend. That’s the consequence of having had the affair, I guess. Losing… maybe I lose Quinn… maybe, I lose Pug… maybe, both…
I miss Quinn, and I’m sure he misses me, too. He was my best friend for years before he was my lover for two months. But, he’s staying away from, me, too, and it’s probably (in part) because he knows the right thing is for me to try to save my marriage, if I can. And, at this point, his being around would complicate that.
Back on the husband front… I was really sick today (chronic stomach condition), like disgustingly, violently ill, for hours, in unspeakable pain for most of it (pretty much all day), and I wanted to die, at times, but Pug took care of me. He stayed close to me, and made sure I was okay. We still spend all our time together, when he’s not working, and he holds me at night – those things give me hope.
Though, as far as his words go, he hasn’t changed his tune since the day he found out what was going on. He said, we were done (not even, maybe someday kind of hope), and that was that. He agreed we both needed to stay here to work out, and separate, our entangled lives. But, we don’t need to sleep in the same bed (we have two beds, and a comfy couch), and we don’t have to spend all our time together, and we do. I think he wants to be with me, but isn’t sure if he can. And, I get that. I love him so much. That’s one of the only pure truths I’ve got, right now. That I still love my husband, and want my marriage… (meme: thanks for making me realize that.)
I am disappointed that Pug’s second day off this week was coopted by illness. I wanted to take him to an exhibit, or something. That, and my sickly episodes get very expensive. We were scraping by already, this pay period. Then, this happened, and pretty much wiped us out. Now, I’ve had to borrow a little money from a friend, Pug’s had to borrow a little from his mother, and with that, we might just be able to scrimp by, but… if anything else unexpected happens… we’ll be screwed.
I need to make some time with Pug that isn’t ugly or stressful. I need to make things pleasant when he gets home, tomorrow night. Not try to seduce him, or anything… that’s a long way off, if it’s ever gonna happen, again, but… I could make things nice for him. For us…
Those are my goals for tomorrow:
-Make some money.
-Make things nice for Pug and I, when he gets home.
-Try to take care of myself – physically, to keep pain and illness at bay, and in all other respects (I sometimnes get depressed and don’t shower, or groom very much, for days at a time – like in some of my photos on the site. But, a messy physical appearance can depress you more, just like a messy apartment, which I also have).
-Work on my play.
And, that’s a lot. So… hopefully I’ll get it all done. Be well, kitty cats.
And, where ever you are, I hope you find some peace tonight.