Aight, I’m back. How y’all been since my last? I know, it was hella long, but so is my— ENOUGH! Alright so as the title suggests imma vent my struggles into a community that I’m sure will understand. So when I was in middle school, I faced  hard adversity, if you read my last blog, you would know that this was when I was discovering myself. I was bullied heavily by the other boy in my grade and nothing was done to prevent it. 2/3s or the way through the year I snapped. I don’t mean I started screaming. Oh no. I snapped and I snapped hard. I hit 3 other boys and broke ones nose and bruised all of them. To this day I still regret the pain I caused. The sickening thing is that people actually congratulated me. I hated my self so when I got home, I tried to hang myself. After I woke up the next morning I cried for the final time. A few months later, bullying was resumed. Again, I snapped. Only much sooner. And more damage was caused. Again, I tried to hang myself. It’s grade comes around. This time there’s no bullying, just depression.  I was being insulted left and right but I learned to ignore people. But then someone found out I wasn’t straight. (At the time I thought i was bi but I’m pan now.) This boy found out my sexuality and my middle name, something I’ll never forgive him for. I sent him to the hospital on an ambulance. I spent 4 days suspended. At the time, I remember people saying that it was possible to drink yourself to death. And being the suicidal person I am, drank 5 bottles of wine and vodka,(not 5 of each, total.) Then I tried hanging my self for good measure. I regret ever drinking, now I’m struggling to stop. I total, while I haven’t mentioned every attempt, I’ve made 17 attempts in the last 2 years. The main reason for my depression, besides seeing the damage I caused while mad, was being alone. I hated it. My personality makes me not want to go seek social interaction, but instead to wait for it to come to me. And no one ever comes to me. I struggle with this now, and I think it’s part of my anxiety. Because I worry about when I find someone that they’ll leave me. As I previously stated, I hate being alone, and I hate the word hate. But that’s how strongly I feel about being alone. I’m my own person looking in on a first person world as a third person. Isolated with no one to share precious moments with. Well, that was depressing but I just felt the need to share my struggles and to let others know that they’re not alone.

 

Sincerely, Chase🏳️‍🌈

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