I just want to give everyone a hug who is hurting like this. It's so hard. I read things in blogs and I feel the same way. I want to hug the people who write them and make the pain stop. We dont' deserve this.
I am trying to take things hour by hour. Last night was so scary. I was planning to have 2 drinks. I had many more. Then I took Tylenol pm (about 4 tablets) I don't know what I was doing, but once I read that Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy almost died. He was drinking and taking pills to "Stop the thoughts in his head". I felt the same way last night.
I don't get why music upsets me so very much. When i drink I listen to music and it ends up making me much crazier and sadder. This is because I am very sensitive to music and songs remind me of so much. So it starts with some dance tunes which are always fun after a few drinks. But then I end up listening to sad songs and songs from my past. That is what puts me in the downward spiral.
I posted a lot of videos from You Tube on my FB page. I wish You Tube didn't let you do that because I don't want to share my personal feelings with the world. Yet I am so lonely I have to I feel.
Now the forced mania and happiness always take their toll on me. I can only keep it up so long til I crack into sadness and depression. I feel like HELP ME God someone, please help.
Weirdly enough help came to me last night, or rather at 8:30 AM. I was taking the Tylenol PMs and I texted J a line from an old song. Then I turned my phone off. I started listening to West Side Story and I cried so much. I was ready to kill myself. I knew the Tylenols will not kill me, but I didn't care. I just wanted to take pills to stop the thoughts forever.
J knocked on my bedroom window. I thought it was the police! He came in to see if I was ok. I didn't take more pills after that. I might have if he didn't come over.
I could barely talk but I was ok, not in need of medical help. I started to fall asleep but fought it. I think I have some idea of why I have insomnia. I am afraid to sleep because something might happen while I'm sleeping and I already feel so out of control.
I can't do this anymore. I CAN NOT. I want to be okay. I can't go to the hospital there isn't help for me there. I am so scared.
This is not Kyle's fault. It's within me that hurts and I can't think he's going to save me. I don't think anyone can, but maybe that is good because I realize I have to save myself. That is really the only person who can help me, I need to change my ways.
I kept thinking today to go hour by hour. Make it to the next hour. The day is almost over, it's getting dark. I got to snap out of this.
I think I might have an idea, but it's very hard. I have to stop talking to people and trying to socialize it makes me crazy. It makes me very very stressed. When I keep to myself I feel peaceful very lonely but peaceful. God I love the peaceful feeling of not needing to impress anyone or deal with their shit or try to make a life for myself. I know that isolation is supposedly bad, but I need the peace of not talking to anyone.
I tried that a couple of times. And it was very boring and lonely, but so peaceful. I stayed out of trouble. I want to do that again. I want to just keep quiet.
I taste the freedom and peace. I taste it and I'm going to get it for myself.
The more I try to find love the worse it gets. I meet people who hurt me and I pretend to be something I am not to impress them. It doesn't have to be that way. I will write another blog when I feel a little more awake. I am still sleepy. I want caffeine but I'm worried it will stimulate me too much and make my thoughts race. I need to be in between, not manic and not depressed. I have to be in between and it's so hard.