first off. the moods that we are able to scroll though for our blogsare a joke. where is the one for "hollow and empty", "detached from reality", "miserable beyond belief", \'feel like death", "scared of my own shadow", etc. i guess i should just put "sad".
but there is a pool party at my aparment complex. everyone is drunk. i don\'t drink or do drugs anymore.i refuse to. they are loud(the people at the pool, not the drugs). i am anxious, depressed, frozen, fearful, uncertain,etc. that and I have what is called SOCIAL ANXIETY. I actually really don\'t fit in anywhere believe it or not. i can fake it for a few times with people until i am around them everyday and that\'s when my SA kicks into high. i\'ve worked on it alot as well as EVERYTHING else in my life. but everything just keeps backfiring on me. (didn\'t i just blog about this yesterday?) maybe i should start to look first to see. but yea, i\'ve tried just about everything to improve on everything. exposure, research, "homework", therapy, a plethera of meds, meditation, etc. it\'s funny b/c i really did improve so much with my life before i moved here and now i feel like i\'m sinking back into what i was.
today is a lonely day. a hollow, fearful, uncertain day where i feel like i am all alone in this world(a world where there is me, and then there is everyone else). i\'m not like them. they all have problems too, but atleast they all are doing something. i\'m like a zombie of a man. i haven\'t felt this bad in years. i really feel like i am different than everyone. some people with sa can go to thier work everyday and "fake it". and act cheerful and sweet to everyone and noone has a clue of thier issues. i mean thats what i am going to have to do soon. it dosen\'t matter how bad off i am mentally at the moment. i have to do things. i have a time limit. and if not for that, i should have been in college already(like right when i moved here.)
what is going on inside of me? i know life is hard. but i set out with confidence on this journey to make a real life. a life that i deserve. a life full of love, hope, fullfilling my goals and dreams. a life where anything is possible(i really believed that). a life where things are as you make them…."if i have a certain mindset i can control my life and be the man i am capable of being". i do believe that. so why do i feel this way? why do i want to die? why is my anxiety, fear, uncertianty, lack of self esteem, self hatred, anger, ocd, all coming back with a vengeance? why can\'t i just be a fucking man and deal with life like i should? why is there this sense of impending doom that is about to encompass me? Why do i feel like i don\'t deserve anything, and can\'t accomplish anything? why can\'t i sleep? Why can\'t i go a day without the thought of suicide? Why is my life darkening so quickly? Why aren\'t things what they seem to be?
Maybe i should just quit. give up. i am not a quitter, but this shit is killing me. not to mention one very fucking large thing that is tearing apart my fucking soul. i hate me and what i\'ve become. i am good enough for noone. what in the fuck have i done?
EDIT: what i meant to say was. i hope eveyone has a great holliday( i really do). hopefully you can be with friends, family, or those you love.
stay strong. keep your head up. never give in. when life gives you lemons, make lemonaide. don\'t worry, things will be better tomorrow. dare to dream. have faith in yourself. you can do anything you set your mind to.(ok, i\'ll knock off the bullshit sarcasm).
i really do wish everyone a great holliday like i said. take care.