I miss my husband.

Not the man I see today, but the man I married.  I feel at times I am being sucked into his dark sad world. Some times it feels like his depression is rubbing off on me. I try to remain nutral and act like nothing is out of the ordinary for our two beautiful, happy children. It sadens me that he is unable to see what I see. Colour! Life! Joy! Happiness! Success!

I have been patiently "waiting" to start our lives together for seven years.  Waiting for him to come home from training excersises, two 7 month tours to afghanistan, courses, boys nights out, sports, hobbies, computer…

I've been waiting for my husband. I know have I him home every night now,  to find him sitting in his underwear , beer beside him, in front of the computer. Depressed, with diagnossed PTSD. Trying to forget. Filling his time with his hobbies and alcohol. While the world is still moving on around him. His children are growing and learning every day. But he is unable to see any colour or cope with any decissions and problems that arise.

I find myself starting to lose hope that the Pschology visits are doing any good. Getting through the ups and downs of the different medications they give him. Only to find out he has taken himself off his medication to move deeper into his dark hole.

I'm left to deal with the house hold, the children, finances and any reapairs. I'm lonely to say the least. I quit my job a year ago to try and get our family back on track. I'm losing myself.

I plan vacations get us all packed up only to have to return home after 2 days because he's not having any fun. He returns to his underwear, beer and computer. I unpack , feeling very hurt.  He is uncapable of understanding how everyone around his is waiting. Waiting on his every mood.

I feel guilty for saying he's selfish. But that's how I feel. He's selfish. He buys expensive things like he wasingle, comes and goes some times for hours. coming home smelliing like alcohol. I need him. His children need him.

What happens when the one supporting now needs support.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. I've been alone over half our marriage like a sinlge mother, only I'm waiting for my husband to return. I shovel the drive way, take out the trash. Keep up with the laundry. Waiting for my team mate in life to return to me. Support me. Let me lean on him.

He is a soldier.

Goes to work on time, gives them his undevided attention. He gives 100% to everyone he works with/for. 

I often wonder what they would think if they saw the man I see.

I miss my husband.