Im 23 years old and for as long as I can remember Ive pretty much been at the same place that I am now.  I dont really know how to describe it.  Detached maybe.  Ive spent my whole life disregarding myself and my feelings about the events in my life.  I dont really feel sad, or angry, or happy, or anything really, or maybe I do and I just dont recognize it…all I know is that Im not happy with what Ive allowed myself to become.  Its strange too because lately Ive been reading all these self help books and e books and blogs and all that nonsense and they all basically tell you the same shit.  "the ability to manifest your dreams lie within your imagination, form a plan of action, realize why your where you are now and change what your doing" blah blah, it seems like common sense, but the thing is how is it that you know that things are that simple in principle but so difficult in practice.  Its one thing to say, keep a positive mental attitude, but how do you actually do such a thing.  I mean, I dont feel like a pessimist, I dont focus on the negatives of life,  I try to see the good in things and for the most part I do, I can appreciate the little things like a good meal, or fresh copy in the morning, doing well in school, seeing how excited my dog gets when I get home, etc.  but it doesnt make me feel any better…truth is I dont feel bad…but I dont feel good either, Im just here, nuetral and appreciative but unaffected.  I dont know how to change that, and its driving me crazy.  I mean, I know you have to let these things in your life touch your heart, you have to let them make you feel good about yourself and what you have and your accomplishments, but you cant control your feelings can you?  Or your lack there of…

I dont know, its crazy.  I can tell you one thing though.  I really want to change.  I dont want to wander through life sitting in the background of my own story. I want to take action and make myself happy, but I dont even know what I want.  I mean Im sitting here now thinking "what would make me happy right now?"  Other than the obvious answer of sex I got nothing.  Maybe going skydiving, or base jumping, or something that will get the adrenaline going but those are kinda out of reach right now.  I know Id probably be alot happier if I had some people to hang out with and crack jokes and such but thats another of my issues.  I apparently have a pretty large payload of social anxiety as well.  Ive always been withdrawn and quiet…comes with the territory I suppose, and you know that really frustrates me sometimes.  Especially because anxiety is not the word I would use to describe what it is Im feeling.  I mean I dont fear peoples reaction to me, Ive been rejected before, everyone gets rejected, its the fact that you put yourself out there that matters, and I really dont give a damn if someone doesnt like me or not…my problem is I dont know what the hell to say to people anymore…I mean I can get through the usual cliche bullshit, "How you doin? Where you from?  Whered you go to school?  What did you wanna be when you grew up? etc" but after about 2 or 3 sentences im stuck on stupid and draw a blank.  Its fucking up my job too because I know that noone likes to work with a guy who seems to be giving the cold shoulder to everyone all the time…I can hear them whisper and snicker, some even go so far as to talk as if i werent even there…but what do you say?  Im sorry im the Ice King, or at least socially retarded and cant force myself to give a damn about much of anything, please forgive me and just let me go about my business?  Fuck no…thats not how it works. 

I mean, isnt it strange that you can know what your doing wrong, and know what you need to do, but not know how?  And when its something so simple as talking to people.  I know it doesnt matter what i say as long as i chit chat about something, but I still come up short.  It like that with everyone I encounter really, even with my family and old friends i find myself stuck in silence.  I suppose I could say to them what im saying here now, but why bring them down to my level?  Why bitch about this…why am I even doing this now?  I guess its desperation…or the fact that to you Im still anonymous and may be able to give you some perspective on your own situation, or maybe that anonymity lets me express myself without directly having to face your judgement or be responsible for how it affects you because you choose to read what I write…whatever the case may be, all I know is that you have to start somewhere…so here I am

I began looking for counselors today…Im a little skeptical about the whole ordeal but I know the definition of insanity.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results…Ive never sought help before…so this is my first step towards change, be it good or bad.  Im just a little concerned that their just going to try to dope me up with a bunch of happy pills and give me some general advice and try to collect their dollars while endorsing the pharmacutical companies and "earning" their bonus.  Ive been self medicating for over a decade and I know now that that isnt the answer.  I know I need to change my perception on things, and that doesnt mean hazing it over with chems…I know I have to change my behaviors, and open up and let someone really get to know me so they can give me some guidance…Im not sure I know myself at all really…all I know is Im a survivor, Ive survived for a long time thru alot of rough shit…but I dont want to just survive anymore, I want to thrive…I know what needs to be done…I just dont know how to do it…kinda makes me feel like a car with no engine…or a gun with no bullets

Either way I call this therapist for depression and anxiety tomorrow, well see where things go from there…as far as this blog goes I realize why I did it now, because you can only get what you give…so heres a little taste of my mind…and I hope to get a piece of yours

1 Comment
  1. somewhereoutthere 13 years ago

    I can relate to what you're saying. In fact you put it better than I could for the most part. Its hard to feign interest in things, even people I love like my family or the few people I've been close with. No matter how good things seem to be its always temporary and then my interest in it turns off.

    I have days where I wonder if anything is really wrong with. I tell myself its just an excuse to not have to deal with life and that I'm just a useless loser. I say other people have problems and they're out there living their lives. Those days drive me crazy and make me feel like I'm a complete moron. I guess sometimes I wish things were black and white in my life where I could point one instance in my life and say "there that's what fucked me up". But there's always a lingering doubt about what exactly I'm doing with my life.

    Anway I'm 23 too just as confused and I've gained a little comfort from readin your blog so thanks. All I can do when I see most people my age is quote a song "I wish I was like you, easily amused".

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