Well its over! I was getting so so so anxious about today! My boss offered to take me to a paint trade show exhibition about 200miles from here :s my first thought was OMG PANIC, how am i going to survive the long car journey and keep some sort of conversation going..and when we got there i was terrified i would be outnumbered sex-wise coz its better known as a males trade i suppose. but there was quite alot of females there! Last night i emailed a friend to ask for a prayer request. i was in such a state by this point i was typing it as a last resort. but i swear SOMETHING must of clicked, because i felt a whole lot less anxious today than i usually would. Which is HUGE. i like to think its related to God. I dunno what your opinion is on religion, im not sure myself. but i'm just so thankful and relieved that i survived today!

I even managed to go to a meeting this evening, 20 minutes after getting home from a LONG day the other side of the country =/ i sort of regret going now tho coz i was so tired i couldn't focus, and hearing different peoples opinions winds me up if i dont agree with it but i'm too pathetic to stand up for myself so i just leave it! anyway a friend of my mums dropped me off near my house, i had to cross a couple of roads to get to my house, and suddenly i felt ANGRY! like really FURIOUS. I walked in front of two cars purposely to give myself an adrenyln rush and if it did hit me then it didn't matter, it would look like an accident. I got to my front door, rang the doorbell and was pressing my back so hard against the bonnet of my dads car i felt it move. i need to let my anger out! i've not been to the gym in 2 days, see whats happening to me?! i won't be able to go tomorrow evening either :' ( i promised my little sister i'd go to this stupid fashion show at the church. urgh. oh well. must be sociable….gym on thursday! i MUST! i feel hideous!

Also, i went bowling last night which was meant to be a 'nice idea' for my mums friends brothers 50th birthday! he's got some sort of special needs, i'm not 100% sure what…but we get on alright so we took him bowling, and i made him some birthday rainbow cakes. it all went well until the last game where i'd nearly had enough. My bowling skills got worse,, and i was getting more and more angry, even if i tried really hard the bloody ball wouldn't do what i wanted it to do. i felt stupid letting it get to me, but arggh omg! it really did! i had to disappear to the toilets a couple of times to have a cry. how pathetic!

one last thing! i had to face both my demons today!!

basically at this trade show they were demonstrating wallpaper knives! Within the first few minutes of me watching the guy demonstrating cut himself! accidentally! caught his finger on the blade. i had to try SO hard to resist buying the product at the end, my boss bought one. a few hours later i went back and bought one! its SOO sharp! bit scared to try it actually. il be careful…and my second demon…paracetamol! on the car journey home my boss wasn't feeling well so he asked me to grab some paracetamol from his bag, pop them out and give them to him while he was driving. I didn't realise how much it would effect me just handling the tablets..but i suddenly got a craving for it! i've got one box in my drawer..i won't take it TONIGHT, coz i'm working 2moro and i need to be able to focus!! i'm seeking a payrise…anyway enough of me ranting!! i've had a ridiculously long day! and got another hectic day planned for 2moro :'( help…

goodnight xx


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