I'm not sure what I want to write about here. I feel like I could write a novel on today alone, or at least a novella.

I went through work all day being hypomanic. No problem. I kind of liked it- good mood and productivity. However, I did not like how I talked more than I normally do at work. I am usually very quiet there. Today I wanted to talk and I didn't like it because I was doing it out of hypomania.

So, as the story goes — tonight I crashed. Now, I am extremeley depressed. I am very, very down. My brother-in-law was rude to me. That made me cry. He has betrayed me in the past, treated my sister poorly, and caused unnecessary grief in my familys' life. Now, they are having another baby tonight. This is why right now I feel like the worst person to ever live. I should be going to see the baby but, I decided to stay home. My reasons: It is over an hour drive and I am already crying; My parents are driving and I hate driving with them because it brings back a bad memory of another person; I don't want to ruin their experience by being upset the entire way there; I can't put on a happy face to my sister and brother-in-law; I have been mentally ill lately and I just don't feel well enough. I am a big advocate for the positiion you have to take care of yourself before you can be there for others. I never thought that was selfish but, I feel guilty for not going.

My sister has promised over and over she would make time for me and be there for me. She has continually let me down. This makes it even harder for me to be there for her.

Honestly, I am not happy about this baby. My sister almost left my brother-in-law before she got pregnant again due to his behavior. Then, she is dumb enough to try for another kid! They went twelve years before she ever got pregnant. I doubt this baby was an "accident". She is coming nonetheless and i will lover her, just like I love their other two girls.

I am not a bad person, I am an ill person. I actually think I am doing everyone a favor by staying home. Who wants to deal with a depressed person after they just had a baby? I don't want to ruin their moment. So, maybe I am not selfish, maybe I am unselfish.

In somewhat related news– the new medicine isn't helping the depression yet. It's been a week.. I am still crying frequently. I am still cycling, just not as fast. The side effects are better, thankfully. Mentally and emotionally, I am not. I have not been this depressed in several years. My old medicine was really helping me. But, I can't be that drugged and drive or work. That has been the main plus about the change – I am alert.

So, back to my sister– please don't judge me. I really am a decent, caring person. I just think the family was better off without me for tonight.

 

3 Comments
  1. deidrexx 8 years ago

    Hi I just want to say that I can relate in some areas to your feelings. I have a huge amount of cousins, aunts, uncles and one 91 year old Grandmother who live 3,000 from me. I have not seen any of them since 2005… Thanksgiving 7 years ago!!

    I am severely depressed and have anxiety so bad that I can barely go to the super market on some days. Therefore, I have not been able to go see my family. I am very close to my parents who live with me, but I have not seen anyone from back east and I feel like a HORRIBLE PERSON, exactly like you feel, I feel like I am the absolute worst Granddaughter that ever lived (Missed Grandmas 90th Party) a lousy cousin (Never even met my 2 cousins little boys who were born within the last few years) My feelings of guilt are terrible.

    I have to remind myself the same thing. I am NOT horrible, I am mentally ill and sometimes that gets in the way of things. I am 3,000 mi. away and can't get on a plane due to my anxiety. I can't see my older relatives or the younger ones. But I have to realize I love them, I send them Christmas packages and care about what their lives are like.

    Same as your sister, most of them have not been there for me, they never talk to me, never call, never email so it makes it harder for me to want to go see them when they live so far and I have such bad anxiety and depression.

    ANYWAY, I think you should not be so hard on yourself, you made the right decision for you and your fam and you will be there for them when you can, you must take care of yourself first as you said.

     

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  2. sadviolinist 8 years ago

    Oh Classy ~ honey, you are NOT a bad person!  If you're family can't understand you're ill right now and need to get better (tell them it'd be like you bringing a cold with you to the hospital to see the baby, it would affect everyone there) then screw 'em as they say.  I hate to sound harsh but obviously these same people have not been there for you during your times of need.  This is a joyous occasion and everyone will be centered on the baby and doting family.  This is definitely NOT your scene right now.  You are doing the right thing by staying home…for you, and for your family as a bonus.  I think you are wonderful, kind, caring, sweet and a good friend.  Don't beat yourself up tonight.  It's just the depression talking hon, not your heart.  As for the quick cycling I am going through that too ~ the doc doubled my dose of Abilify in hopes to stop it and keep me from dropping any lower in my depressive states.  They'll last for days, then a couple days of hypomania, then depression that gets worse with every go-round.  I hope that this medicine works out for you~ unfortunately it just doesn't work immediately, you know? I think that's the worst part about all of this.  Take care of yourself tonight Classy; you need to love you and not worry about feeling guilty (depression talking still) ~ there will be plenty of other times to meet your new niece in a less stressful time and environment for you.  Take it easy and do something nice for yourself.  I recently discovered that I LOVE the smell of tea tree oil shampoo and conditioner, so when I feel down I go shower and wash my hair because the smell is healing and refreshing and clean to me.  Maybe aromatherapy would really help you.  I also found that if I dab a tiny smudge of peppermint oil just under my nose it also lifts my spirits some.    Get some rest and know that I care and think the world of you and wouldn't judge you in a million years for taking care of you first. That's the way it should be at times.  ((((HUGS)))) my sweet friend.   Love ~ Key

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  3. Andie372 8 years ago

    I love hypo mania, until its over. Then you crash, sometimes very hard. I am sorry you are down. Do not feel bad about being at the hospital. You'll have the rest of your life to spend with your niece. And I know you will be a great loving auntie.

    Wish your sister could have been more there for you. He sounds like an absolute jerk and I agree they maybe should have thought things through.

    Give the meds a little more time but call your doc and let him know. And take yourself some “me” time. Keep us posted

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