I'm not sure what I want to write about here. I feel like I could write a novel on today alone, or at least a novella.
I went through work all day being hypomanic. No problem. I kind of liked it- good mood and productivity. However, I did not like how I talked more than I normally do at work. I am usually very quiet there. Today I wanted to talk and I didn't like it because I was doing it out of hypomania.
So, as the story goes — tonight I crashed. Now, I am extremeley depressed. I am very, very down. My brother-in-law was rude to me. That made me cry. He has betrayed me in the past, treated my sister poorly, and caused unnecessary grief in my familys' life. Now, they are having another baby tonight. This is why right now I feel like the worst person to ever live. I should be going to see the baby but, I decided to stay home. My reasons: It is over an hour drive and I am already crying; My parents are driving and I hate driving with them because it brings back a bad memory of another person; I don't want to ruin their experience by being upset the entire way there; I can't put on a happy face to my sister and brother-in-law; I have been mentally ill lately and I just don't feel well enough. I am a big advocate for the positiion you have to take care of yourself before you can be there for others. I never thought that was selfish but, I feel guilty for not going.
My sister has promised over and over she would make time for me and be there for me. She has continually let me down. This makes it even harder for me to be there for her.
Honestly, I am not happy about this baby. My sister almost left my brother-in-law before she got pregnant again due to his behavior. Then, she is dumb enough to try for another kid! They went twelve years before she ever got pregnant. I doubt this baby was an "accident". She is coming nonetheless and i will lover her, just like I love their other two girls.
I am not a bad person, I am an ill person. I actually think I am doing everyone a favor by staying home. Who wants to deal with a depressed person after they just had a baby? I don't want to ruin their moment. So, maybe I am not selfish, maybe I am unselfish.
In somewhat related news– the new medicine isn't helping the depression yet. It's been a week.. I am still crying frequently. I am still cycling, just not as fast. The side effects are better, thankfully. Mentally and emotionally, I am not. I have not been this depressed in several years. My old medicine was really helping me. But, I can't be that drugged and drive or work. That has been the main plus about the change – I am alert.
So, back to my sister– please don't judge me. I really am a decent, caring person. I just think the family was better off without me for tonight.