Well, I've done it.

Yesterday, over the telephone. Not my preferred way of ending a relationship, but he called and asked, what was I to say? So, I told him that my feelings are not as they should be, and that I could not contiune the relationship. 

Of course, he was disappointed. He blamed me for not being willing to take the relationship further, to the next level, like moving in with him. I don't blame him for feeling that way. He also said he does not believe I ever felt the right way for him, because he cannot understand that feelings can go away. 

I don't mind him placing the guilt on me, I understand he needs to understand why, and if this is a way he can do that, it's ok. I know what's right and what's true. I told him how sorry I am, how much I would wish things to be different, and I think he understands how much it grieves me. I tried to explain that he's done nothing wrong, that he's done nothing but support me and tolerate my stupid whims, mood swings and tears for no reason. I think he understands that this is true. 

I did not tell him that this relationship has been more of a burden than a joy lately – he does not deserve to hear that. 

He said he'll come by later today with my things, I've made ready his. I asked if we wants to come in for a while, have a cup of tea or something, he said yes yesterday, but I don't know if he will. I'd like things to end on good terms, with no more bad feelings than neccesary. I don't think he's given me up completely, though. He asked what I would do if I later understand that I do have the right feelings, I said I didn't know. 

Now I'm trying to clean this place up a bit, make it nice til he comes over, so he can remember me in a good way too, not like a slob. I am anxious, dreading him to come, but also looking forwards to getting this over with. 

Of course there is some grief, a three-year relationship is not something I give up easy, but there's more relief, and that tells me that I've made the right decition.