I hate how the only time I come on here is when I'm swimming so deep in negative thoughts and emotions that whining down here is the only way I can get the feelings out. It's leaving me an a vulnerable position with not only site members but my self-respect and the aspect of actually keeping a D-tribe account.
And this tea tastes awful…Oh, it expired September 2008? Shiiii-
But I'm not sure. I can't really key this feeling to my medication this time…though there were a few days in the recent past in which I missed regular doses, I've took enough days to get my hormone levels (by the Synthroid) back to regular beat. I've kind of felt this since shortly before this silly news with my dad's trial. It was supposed to have been yesterday, but I'm too scared to ask my mom about how it went. Obviously he's still up in the state where he actually had (or is having) the trial. But I've heard no words and the internet searches thankfully don't show any information (when I see his name in the news, it makes my heart drop.)
Although the whole trial thing is my fault, I've been ignoring it the bet I can…especially in these last couple months. I cast it away from my mind because the more I think about it, the more I tear up and the more I feel at the rusty edge of insanity.
However, though his trial was scheduled for Monday, I think that this feeling has been cursing my gut since Sunday. I have reason to believe it's just another silly BPD thing (even though I'm not even diagnosed with BPD or have any right to say "oh yeah, hello. My name is ____ and I have BPD.") You know? It's always the internet. Once I got back from my winter break, I would hear stories of every other kid getting so drunk, getting in trouble, finding love, finding lust, having fun moments with friends that they'll never forget. And, yes, I've done a little of that, too. (It's surprising considering I've lost every friend I had last year and refuse to make any new ones this year…it's my colder personality this year.)
Of course I felt a little out of loop, a little like the hideous girl sitting alone in the corner. Being all weird…And I can't help it, but I feel like the people around me (in my classes or ones I bump into often) are talking about me saying I'm weird or off. Why am I thinking this? It might just be in my imagination…but you never know, there's a good chance it's not.
And with Facebook (omg fbook [email protected]@ iz lyk s00 st00pid), yes this sounds ridiculous, but I'm feeling more and more of a Negative Nelly. When I was an overly sensitive 13-year old, I always felt my heart drop if someone deleted me from Facebook…even if it was that random guy in Russia that I never understood. So I put up the statement that if you didn't like me, then you should delete me because you have no business adding me in the first place. (These words were a bit more…simple and mellow) and I've kept that phrase up since. At which point…I grew accustomed to friends deleting me. (No big deal, right?) But now, all of a sudden, I feel like it's a big deal. I feel like every comment I make on statuses, every like I…like…it's as if at least one or two people out there are thinking "What the fuck? What a freak? I have to delete this bitch." And I can't get this feeling out of my heart.
It's so stupid, it's so ridiculous. I have no idea why I'm so sensitive about something so simple so suddenly. But it makes me want to scream, curl up in a ball, and turn into dust. This shows how incredibly vain I am…I wear so much makeup, yet I don't act anything like the girls who do the same. I get good grades and pay attention, but I'm not a goody goody (which is actually my goal…to be educated and somewhat intelligent […what] and to still be the person in life who has fun or lights up. I feel an attachment to this mindset.) But it's all silly. In the end, I'm still that girl who's constantly concerned about her looks, who's always fixing her makeup in the bathroom, who's always strutting around, yet avoiding eye contact. The girl who's short, but not Mexican. (Considering in Texas, most girls my height are Mexican.) The girl who's not ghetto or a cowgirl. That one girl.
But I've already had my turn of being a "star," of grabbing everyone's attention, like I want. Of course, people who want attention and try to get attention are idiots. I destroyed myself, tanning all the time, dying my hair, caking on more makeup, slutting my clothes up. It was the stupidest year in my life that I'll always (somewhat) regret. Although…it did teach me the harsh reality that if you give a reason for someone to really hate you, they will…and openly. It taught me that being in everyone's conversation and curious inquiry was usually not a good thing.
Today, I successfully ordered Chinese and laid around reading. What an accomplishment. Yeah.
I recommend "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoos." I'm also going through this New Age kind of phase, drinking tea 3-4 times a day, meditating, and different things like that. It feels silly, especially with someone my age doing it, but at least it keeps me preoccupied.
Now that I think about it, I got depressed around this time of year last year, too. I went into this hole of sad emotions because I felt lonely without friends and without the power to make new friends. What a ridiculous thing.
Anyways, thank you for quickly scrolling down this blog without reading the body. (I truly to appreciate it, it feels so awkward when people actually reply my venting. I feel like I have to apologize to them for even typing anything.)
Have a good Tuesday (or Hump Day.)