I’m falling into depression, again. I can feel it, starting to cloud my mind. I can even look at my mother without thinking of everything she’s said to me. I can’t imagine how this year is going to be. Worst part? I feel like I have no one now. I feel like everyone has given up on my sister and I.
I could talk to my therapist before when I was living with my Grandmother, but now, I can’t. Or she’ll have to report. I can’t talk to anyone.I just, always hear it, It the back of my mind, replaying every time I think of her, or see her.
“I wish you would kill yourself.” “I should have aborted you.” “I hate you, I hate your guts.” “I don’t care what you do anymore.” “Either here or foster care.” “Get out of my house.” “Go ahead, call the police, I’ll slit my throat before they get here.”
Along with all the countless images of her half-heartedly trying to kill or harm herself.
And my dad? Oh, he just doesn’t seem to care. He chose his Wife over his Children. I remember the day she almost did kill herself, when she took an entire bottle of tylenol and I woke up for school with her passed out on the couch covered in her own throw up. I woke up my sister and called the police. She was baccuracted, and my dad sat us down and said
“We’re going to get her help, change medication. But, if this happens again, I’m not going to let your well-being be affected, I’ll leave her.”
That was a little over a year ago.Then what? Oh, it happens fifty times over and he made us move out of our own home before he divorced her, he never fucking will either. He cares about her more than us.Fuck, I need a cigarette, a drink. A razor. I’m so sorry. I’m such a failure. I was clean, I don’t know if that’ll last. I’m such a fuck up, man.
If you read this, thanks.