Last night I experienced my fourth panic attack. In the midst of my anxiety I managed to grab an empty book and start scribbling down everything I was feeling. In doing so I managed to calm myself down and almost rationalise the emotions I was experiencing. In this blog I want to share with you the contents of this ‘Anxiety Journal’ and perhaps you can find familiarities and see that you are not alone. We are not alone.

On the first page of this journal I listed any symptoms I was feeling or have felt. Things like chest pain, sweating, intense shivering, tingling, fear of dying, losing control, fear of impending doom, etc. You know the drill. I also tried to pinpoint the things that seem to worry me (dying, heart problems, losing family members, new people, phone calls – those terrifying phone calls). This helped me organise my feelings and analyse from another perspective. I also listed ways in which I have tried to manage my anxiety (reminding myself that the doctor has performed an ECG and numerous blood tests and found nothing wrong, taking natural anxiety medication, breathing exercises, massage, hobbies, focusing on the positives, etc. I did this so that when I am in the throes of another attack I can read it.

After I had made the lists and gained some perspective I started my journal. I will share the first entry with you. I hope that I can relate to someone who feels the same way and, if you do, connect with me.

Entry No 1:

Just had my fourth panic attack (PA). It was much milder than previous ones but disconcerting nonetheless.

I have come to terms with the fact that I have some form of anxiety. It is not a very nice feeling to have but I am determined to work on it so that  I can return to my ‘normal’ self.

FIRST STEP: Will contact the psychologist on Monday to make an appointment.

My first PA was on my birthday this year. I was relaxing with family, had an amazing day and was on holiday. Certainly doesn’t sound like a stressful situation…

It was the single most horrible, terrifying experience. I thought I was having a heart attack. I thought I was dying. It lasted for about an hour and ended in teeth-chattering shivers.

For quite a few days after I felt depressed, in pain and just not right. And I feel like that after every PA. A hangover without the fun. Muscle pains, dodgy stomach and fatigue. Just tired.

I have always been an anxious person. I have always succumbed to overthinking and not liking to exit my comfort zone. But the anxiety skyrocket this year due to reasons I hope to soon discover. I have my theories but I WANT TO KNOW!

I so wish the doctor had said I have some sort of mild infection. Weird, right? Not really. This would be something more tangible and more understandable to the outside world. It is something that makes sense to me. Anxiety can’t be solved by taking a magic pill. It is something you need to work on. It is something that has to be dealt with.

I want to be able to drive anywhere without worrying about being in an accident or breaking down. I want to meet new people without shutting down. I want to make a simple phone call without having to psych myself up for a week beforehand. I want to be spontaneous and live my life to the fullest.

And I will do just that…

Once this pesky anxiety has been squared away.

Until next time…