Rae, Rae, get up so we can crush your soul some more 😡😡😡
I do my best to do everything I’m supposed to, stuff I don’t even want to waste my time doing like washing, but no matter how perfect I try to be as soon as anything goes wrong in the lives of people around me it’s all my fault. Like my 17 year old son missing his bus for work this morning – my fault because his uniform wasn’t dry despite me getting the hairdryer on it to dry it as best as I could in time for him to catch his bus. Then there’s the fact that I washed his uniform on Saturday, as I always do, but it’s a typical British ‘summer’ so the rain prevented me from drying it outside and the heat prevented me from drying it on radiators. Short of washing it while he’s still wearing it I don’t know what else I can do. He does have two uniforms so one should be being washed while the other is in use but of course it’s also my fault that he doesn’t bring his washing down to get done. Combine all this with the fact that, while I’m busy being where I should be, doing what I should be doing, he’s disregarding all the rules in place to support him to do well at work. Be in by 11pm, nope he’ll be in whatever time he pleases, oversleep, then be in a rush in the morning because he has overslept. And because he’s never in he doesn’t prepare for the next day before going to bed so he spends half the morning dashing about the house looking for this, that and the other and getting pee’d off because nothing is to hand (where the fairies should have left it for him knowing he would need it 🙄). Don’t have ‘friends’ sleep over on a work night. It makes it difficult for me to run around the house in a vain attempt to help him in the mornings as well as preoccupying him at night when he needs to get a proper nights sleep and making it harder for him to want to leave his bed in the mornings. But this is another unnecessary rule we’ve concocted purely to ruin his fun as messing up his life is our only goal 🙄.
Of course on some level I know that I am not actually to blame but after years and years of people shunting blame on to me where they should have been taking responsibility for their own actions, and given that this has been going on from a very young age, it’s very difficult to alter my perception and come to terms with the fact that everything that goes wrong in this world is not actually my fault, so I try to overcome this by talking it out with the only person I have to turn to, my husband, but unfortunately he is frustrated by the whole situation and ends up shouting at me which, instead of providing me with the reassurances I am seeking, only goes to reinforce the belief that I am to blame for all that goes wrong, after all I am the one being shouted at!!!
I realised today, as I hid under my covers having put myself back to bed to get away from it all, that mornings have been horribly chaotic like this for some time now and are the reason I do hide away under my covers, why I struggle to get up every morning. I hate being shouted at and I hate confrontation – probably because everything is always my fault, so to avoid it I hide away. Only thing is, I find myself hiding away more and more. I am becoming a hollow shell. I numb my feelings because they hurt too much. I think if I actually allowed myself to feel I would explode 💥, little bits of me would fly all over the place and nobody wants that! I think I might actually be dead inside.
This damage is going to take years to undo and I know that to even begin to recover I need a calm, settled life………..well that ain’t going to happen anytime soon!!! So things are going to keep getting worse 😢