Ok so I am trying to figure out why I am so bored and lonely.  I never had a problem finding fun it always seened like fun found me after the drug of my choice was scored and sampled.  I never found myself felling alone even though I wanted to be left alone haha.  I always isolated and my phone would ring of the hook. Now I look at my phone and wonder if it still works and why the hell I even have it.  No one ever just wants to go out for coffee and everyone in my outpatient is either not able to drive or we have nothing in common but our addictions and personally I really don't feel like sippin a cup of coffee over the conversation of drugs and how much we use to do and where and when blahhhh.  I wish I could just go hang out with my old friends with out using but I know that is like smoking a cigarette in a room full of explosives.  I am frustrated when I think about the future and it is so hard not to when you have money obligations.  I just read Kizzys blog and I worry when I hear about people starting relationship in early recovery because of my experience and many others but that still doesn't stop my thought process even though I can give the advice I never seem to take it.  I honestly know I shouldn't be even thinking about anyone but myself right now but I cannot help wishing and thinking about where I can find someone.  I would love more than anything to have another girlfriend right now that I know would make me so much more positive and things so much more easier for me to take in but my heads still not right and ultimately that wouldn't be fair to the other person.  But I still struggle anyways.  I just think it's funny how when I was twisted I wanted no one and now that I'm sober I wish I had someone.  Lifes a f*cker like that I guess.  Anyways thanks for letting me ramble it felt good at least to get it out.  Anyone else out there understand where I am coming from on this one or am I completely mental?