Tonight has been like most nights paiful but ive never felt so worthless in my life, my partner of four years treated me very poorly and to be honest the things he said crushed my soul, Ive always tried hard to keep it together. The things that come out of his mouth can be beyond discouraging at the best of times, but tonight he went way too far I cried like a complete psychopath because I guess I was just in the middle of a major breakdown and I cracked. For so long ive bottled up things and pushed through with a smile, for the simple fact of hiding my true feelings and keeping myself composed to avoid disgracing myself infront of others. But when I’ve dug deep for 4 years and put this regularly occurring cycle of toxicity, envy, and blame and bullying aside where ive lived in a dark, lonely, bitter, sorrowful and cofused place, I broke down and i dont mean just a break down this was crazy big. After being the finacer of our relationship for so long the full time mother of 3 beautiful girls and the partner of a great father/very opinionated verbally abusive drunk partner. I  decided I cant hold it in anymore and had this mental breakdown. Ive broken down before due too depression and anxiety but nothing like this, after picking up my partner from the bar taking him for takeaways, on our way home he decided he wanted to go back to the bar but we where almost home. So just to find an excuse to go wondering around drunk he decides to call me all the names under the sun wich includes things such as peasant b**** ect spit flying swearing putdowns id never been so mad, I completely lost it at him told him to leave if thats how he feels and cried like ive never cried before. The noises I made came from deep within I let alot out, and now I feel so small sitting next to this passed out drunk that knows I wont leave because of the worthless person I feel I am that everybody sees, but no one actually sees and is to set in being invisible and alone. Im not coping at all

2 Comments
  1. spicey 11 months ago

    Hey there. I want you to ask yourself this “Is he worth it?”. If he is worth it and you see him being responsive to the kind of pain he’s putting you through, then he is. If he wants to get better then he is. But staying on his side with each day leaving you a shell of yourself, making you feel worthless, making your kids unhappy, you gotta ask yourself if he is worth enduring all that. I won’t say just up and leave because its not easy. When are goodbyes ever easy? But what i know, sometimes you give others too much and get nothing in return. You would refuse to give up on them because deep down you are hopping they’d realise how much they are hurting you. You think by walking away, you’d be a coward and take the easy way out but no. Such people we care too much about, have the power to shutter us given a chance. You also have to think about the children. Are they happy?. Sometimes walking away snap people out of taking us for granted. You need to work on yourself and heal from all the pain you are experiencing. Your partner has to know that he is wrong or is putting you at stake. Help him but don’t lose yourself doing so because instead of helping him, you will grow to recent him

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  2. aureliag 11 months ago

    Hey, sorry to hear you are going through all this mess 🙁 You are already stronger and powerful by deciding to seek help and acknowledging what you are going through needs to stop. It’s natural to feel the way you feel, since this is how he is treating you and all you want is for him to get better and help him as you probably care so much about him. I think his projections of his insecurities are taken on you because it is easier for him and less painful than to keep them inside and are backed up by alcohol. Who knows what he is dealing with inside, but in order for him to change he needs to decide to do that and you are not responsible for how he decides to handle himself and those demons screaming inside. It hurts so much to imagine your suffering and helplessness (I have an aunt who is frequently beaten by her husband and she suffered so much in life and I feel so guilty that I don’t know how to help her; also people around her are more inclined to tell her to not provoke him – which sucks because you shouldn’t be blamed for standing up for yourself, have boundaries and fight toxic behavior). Maybe a close friend or relative could help him realize the damage he is provoking and guide him through the feeling? Maybe he thinks he isn’t a good enough father for his daughters and he needs an enemy to take that on. You might feel insecure about yourself and overthink that you could have stopped such behavior, but you deserve respect and love and shouldn’t feel bad for asking for it. That and accepting that enough is enough and you did your best might give you the courage to take decisions that will help you overcome this. Even though you will still care for him, getting some emotional distance will help in treating the situation more objectively. Cry as much you need, it will help you release the pain and have a more clear head afterwards. Don’t trust any of the words he is saying to you and expect that the more you will fight back, the worst he will get to punish you and make you suffer and feel the power he has over you, because the more control you show to have over yourself, the more powerless and evil he will be. You are the only owner of your life and identity, please don’t forget that.

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