i have recently gotten sick, well not sick persay, but been in alot of pain, ive missed so much school , stupid university classes.. and my instructors are trying to convince me to drop the course so i dont get an F on my transcripts, and my mom keeps telling me not to let them win, but honestly all i want to do is die, ive been in so much pain lately and feeling anxious on top of it all is just pushing me over the edge. i came extremly close to killing my self yesterday. i was outside with rope in hand, if it wasnt for one of my best friends i wouldnt be sitting here today, but today im still not feeling anymore like myself, im still in pain, im still stressed out , im still confused and im still behind, its never been so apparent to me before just how easy it can be to take your own life, and whyhavent i dont it yet you may ask, to be honest if someone didnt stop me before then i propbably would have by now , but when someone stops u from doing it it shows u just a little bit that someone does care, some days i wish i was locked up to protect myself from well myself. other days im so happy that im not that crazy, but lets face it i technically am. ijust realised today how much there is i hate aboutmysef. think im gonna write a listof all the things i hate about me and then start to try and chagnge them, thats probably not a healthy idea but it feels like a goodone right now.i apologize to anyone who actually reads this, i was loosing my mind today and needed to vent somewhere. anyways im off to make a list, hope everyone elses day went and is going better then mine!
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I\'ve been in your situation before I\'ve convinced myself many times that I\'d be better off dead. At the height of my depression killing myself was all I thought about literally all the time but I never did it because when I was 11 my cousin killed himself, it devastated my whole family, especially me because although he was a lot older than me we are a very close family and I spent a lot of time with him, he was basically my hero. Anyway when I started to feel suicidal I would think about my younger cousin who is like my little brother and my nieces and nephew and how it would be like the same for them as it was for me. I hate people that say suicide is a cowards way out, it really isn\'t and I\'m sure you know that, but I know I don\'t want other people in my family to end up like me and I know first hand what happens when someone you love kills themselves. I\'ve been fighting depression for years and if you can get on the right meds it does help but you have to find a reason not to kill yourself and everytime you feel like youd be better off dead you have to start to think about your reasons not to do it and eventually it gets easier to fight those urges. I\'m not sure if my babbling is helpful, if you ever want to chat then you can message me, I know what you are going through.