I used to write everything down. I don\'t know that it helped, but at least all this emotion won\'t stay inside any longer.
There are so many things in life that I want to accomplish, and there\'s not enough time.
I hate my job.
Which is terrible, because it really was my dream job when I first got it. Something that people used to be jealous of when I told them where I worked. I don\'t gloat any longer, because my boss\'s erratic behavior has made my anxiety ten thousand times worse than it\'s been in the past year. I can\'t sleep at night. I\'m constantly afraid that when I go into work the next morning she will yell at me, or try to fire me, or make me lie more.
That\'s right. Lie. I constantly lie for her to our corporate people, and I am sick of it. She "borrows" money from the safe, and I finally got so sick of it that I reported her. You might think this is a relief, but it\'s really much harder than I thought it would be. They are taking so long to respond that I get more nervous by the day. I worry what will happen, and how it will happen, and when it will happen.
I\'m a person who craves structure. Even now- the words echo in my head, me screaming at my mother, "I can\'t do this! I need some sort of structure here!" I\'ve been thinking about that a lot lately. How all I wanted was a little structure, a little routine. Now, I am constantly sitting with my planner trying to make sure I don\'t forget anything, and trying to make sure it all gets done. I love my planner.
I make lists. Constant lists. It\'s a practice that started with my wedding (something not too odd to do when you\'re planning a wedding). It hasn\'t stopped though. I enjoy the security of checking off things.
I probably need professional help, but I\'m scared to look for it. I\'m scared that they won\'t understand, and I don\'t like to waste my time. I\'m scared of who I\'ll be when I\'m not sad anymore.
My two biggest fears are that my husband get tired of me and leave, or that I will get better and not need him anymore. I worry that I fell in love with him because he takes good care of me, and I need that so much in my life. I worry. worry. worry.
I have so many worries.