Let me start off my journey by sharing with you what I think is my biggest problem in terms of my Anxiety and PTSD – Up until about a year and a half ago, I didn’t know that I had truly been a victim of childhood sexual abuse. I know, weird…right?

 Since I can remember I’ve only had one real, vivid memory of my childhood which was telling my parents that I thought my cousin (Let’s just call him “Bob”.) had made me do sexual things against my will. At this point, I was only about three years old. Even after this memory, I can’t think of anything up until my mid-teens. I was unsure if this vivid memory was even reality or just a nightmare.

 So on this day, about a year and a half ago, my then 20 year old step-brother had gotten into a near-fatal accident. He was out with some friends at a house party, drinking and schmoozing. He then decided that he wanted to wander alone for a while. He climbed the roof of his friends house and ended up falling down two floors onto the cement sidewalk. He was found by some passers-by bleeding from the ears and an ambulance was called. When the police had called my step mother, they told her to “get his affairs in order” as it was very unlikely that he would make it.

 While I was at home, waiting…terrified to hear the verdict on whether he was going to be okay or not, I was talking to my father on the phone. We had a long conversation about life, how anything can happen at any given moment and that you truly need to enjoy your life for all that you have. He told me about how I was when I was a little girl and about how I was a very talented pianist and artist with so much potential. (Unfortunately, as a child I hated sitting and practicing my chords and scales, so I gave it up.) We talked about dreams, aspirations and unleashing your potential. That’s when he asked me, “If you could be anything in the world, what would you be?”. My obvious answer for this was a pediatrician (due to my love for children and interest in the medical field, but of course I didn’t go that route because of the amount of schooling and my desire to have a family of my own). I then asked him the same question and his reply was “Private Investigator or Agent”. I asked him why of all things that this would be his deepest desire and he replied with my only childhood memory. The truth had finally come out as a reality. I was then told about how my father had gotten “Bob” to admit to him that he had crossed the line with me.

 My parents and my aunt and uncle were very, very close. We were always a tight knit family, even to this day. My father told me some more about this story, getting into the details of what had happened when he confronted “Bob” and my Aunt and Uncle about it. I often wonder what would have happened if “Bob” was charged instead of it all being deemed a”stupidity induced teenage accident”. I’ve seen this cousin once at a family function since I’ve found out the truth about all of this. I didn’t say a word to him and of course couldn’t look him in the eye either. Since stumbling across all of this information my anxiety has gotten worse and I wonder which of my problems are implications of what had happened.

 Things have long since been forgotten by members of my family and I don’t think my Aunt and Uncle even know that I’m aware. If they knew, they would be furious that my Father had said anything rather than letting “bygones be bygones”. My other cousin (Let’s call him “Tim”), “Bob”‘s brother and I have always been very close since before I can remember. I’m not even sure that he knows about all these deep secrets from the past. I know that if he knew, the brothers would no longer be close. “Tim” now has a little daughter and son of his own. His daughter looks a lot like I did as a child, which makes it much more hard to swallow for me. I know “Bob” has been trusted to babysit “Tim”‘s children and it kills me inside to wonder if he’s ever done anything to those children. Not to mention, “Bob” is now engaged to a woman who has a young daughter.

 I constantly question whether or not what “Bob” did to me was just a stupid teen decision or if he truly does have pedophilia issues. I know that’s not just something you grow out of, but could it have just been an accident? I hate the idea of slandering him even after all he’s put me through. Do I re-open past issues to help myself heal, or do I go through this alone? Would bringing something that happened 19 years ago really help me feel better? Is there even a way to end this? Should I cause family friction and pain or try to find an alternate route of fixing things? Is there another way? I don’t know. These questions haunt me.

xo

-C