The first day of class is starting soon and I’m pretty nervous about it. Due to my unique/rare upbringing throughout my entire childhood, I think I lack social skills, self-esteem and other stuff that I don’t even know what to call them. I signed up to volunteer for Move-In Day at my university. I don’t know if that was wise or if I should go. I want to be more outgoing in my life and make friends, and I don’t know… be like happy and excited, but I kind of fear everything. I make friends and they like talking to my twin sister better, or they make friends with other people and they rather hang out with them, or sometimes I think I annoy them so I don’t even talk to them for a long while. I don’t really know how to become an attractive person. By that I mean someone who seems chill, cool, or fun to talk to. Compared to a lot of people I know and can relate to, I think I got lucky. After chemo treatment I was able to stay with the same hair color and better yet it came out thicker than before. My hair use to be super thin and after treatment it was even better than before. I was even able to loose a lot of the weight I gained again due to treatment. Kids especially would compare my twin and I saying I was fat, with messy hair. Sometimes I wish i would gloat to them how much smarter I am than them, but then if I did that… how much smarter can I be from them?
Anyways, I sidetracked a bit but on Thursday I have Move-In day to volunteer for and on Friday I have to attend orientation with every other 1st year student. Yes, it gets worse. In high school, I didn’t make the greatest decisions and I meet a lot of bullies and bad influences. I’m most probably going to see them Friday and I really am dreading this. So the reason I went into how I think I look is because I don’t know what to present myself as on Thursday or Friday. If you guys meet me, you really probably wouldn’t of thought I went through cancer and all the stuff I’ve gone through. You guys just might of thought I weird or I don’t know creepy in some ways. However, should I dress casual? or maybe a little on the “haha look what you’ve missed out on” sexy look? (This because an ugly rumor went around sophmore year by a guy who just made it bad for me and nothing bad at all actually happened). Should I just not attend and go watch for the first time the Lion King in theaters and Scary Stories on Friday? If things go wrong on Thursday, what do I do on Friday? Should I dye my hair with white highlights? I’ve always wanted to do that but I haven’t because of family influences. I know I think too much about stuff, I mean just read this, but I don’t know what to think or feel. I’m taking anti-depressants right now but sometimes I don’t really feel the actions to most my decisions. So I’m not sure I’m learning from my mistakes or not right now. I don’t know what I’m trying to learn right now other than my basics through college.
On a side note, I made (I think) two new friends. One is 19 years old and the other is 29 years old. I don’t know why when I talk to the 29 yr old I feel more comfortable. When I talk to Jorge (19 yr old) it feels like I’m boring him or going to annoy him so I wait for him to text me…. In reality though, he’s never texted me other than when I text him first. Kane (29 yr old) invited me to join a club though. It’s pretty cool, you literally build rockets and stuff but, I don’t know if I should join for me or for him. If I join for me, what would I get out of this? Maybe a few friends, experience even though I’m majoring in accounting, making other people proud. What would Kane get out of this? Another team player in the club, a dependable team player, a friend (?). I don’t know what to join. I do however, want to join something. I just don’t want to join something for the wrong reasons.