So I talked things over with my therapist. She agrees that I need to do what's best for my education by auditioning on trombone rather than guitar. Its going to be difficult, but we discussed how its going to be difficult no matter what instrument I play for the audition. My stagefright is going to be hard to work through but she's convinced I'll work through it. I wish I could be as optimistic, but I know that stage-fright is only the first part of it. The second being my OCD to try and make myself comfortable with being anxious. I get this way with tests in college; I take the test that I'm so nervous about, but I spend at least half an hour of that test time going through rituals – something I won't be able to do at the audition. I never know when it's going to hit either, it's pretty unpredictable.
Lets see, besides that – I've just been doing alot of contemplative thinking lately. Like what I'm supposed to do with my life. I can't help but feel unimportant in the world as I move into a transition of my life. I mean, I realize the world doesn't revolve around me – thats not what it is. Its more like, I want to do something that I can be proud of and give something that my parents can maybe be proud of. To sound a bit cliche I guess I want to BE somebody. I know the words of ex-lovers shouldn't carry much weight, but I remember how one of my ex's said to me as she broke up with me: "Mike, you'll never be anything to anybody." Again, I know – I shouldn't listen to her at all. I just wish I could get that thought out of my head but I can't. I guess I just want to prove her wrong somehow- but I'm not sure how to.
I'm not terribly depressed or anything – just contemplative is all. My main focus right now is keeping my GPA up and getting into that 4-year school. I just wish I knew if I was doing the right thing.