So I’m new here. I’m struggling. Im hoping to find others, like me, who can understand.

9 years ago I met my husband. I was an idiot. Red flags were everywhere. My god flags, bulldozers. But as a 22 years old single mum of two, with very low self esteem and no idea what a healthy relationship was, I honestly believed he was just a jealous man, really liked me and just needed me to earn his trust. He’d be fine. Well 9 years on, 2 children later (making 4 in total) he’s now on bail. He was arrested on the 21st of February. I rang the police. I was just so terrified. I couldn’t. I panicked and tried to take it back but it was too late. The police came and the damage and fear in me was undeniable. He was arrested, he’s now on bail and allowed no contact, direct or indirect, with me. Il go in to that on other blogs.

So. I’m here because.

Along the way weed become my only source of numbness to the hell I have lived. So help guys. I need to give it up.

Before I met him my sexuality was bi. I never really took a moment to really know who I am. But. Il explain in other blogs why I feel this way but he used my sexuality against me a lot, to the point I denounced it as a phase and said I was straight. My sexuality has been something that’s bothered me for a long time. I don’t know if it should but it does. Like I don’t know my identity. He took all of that.

And finally I wish I could quiet the conflict in my mind. The ideals of him changing but also the realisation that was any of it even good? If the bad was taken away and he was fixed, would the good even be what I want? The guilt at him being took from his home, his kids, his life in tatters. But should I feel guilty, he never did. It’s all very.. confusing.

So that’s my life currently.

I plan to outlet feeling on her and use it to outlet pain. I hope to find others who understand or have similar experiences.

Let’s see how this goes..