Well today has been a little better than yesterday. Atleast in the sense that I don’t feel as though I’m about to burst into tears at any moment. I did slightly feel like that during a Greek Literature class when I was looking out the window and seeing a few couples walk by and noticing all the guys were incredibly tall and well built and I look down at my arm that is smaller then most childrens arms. So it’s a bit of a self pity thing, but it doesnt help to say I should stop feeling sorry for myself, because it doesnt feel as though anyone else cares nor do I expect anyone else to care. They are my arms for chrissakes and I honestly feel I was dealt a shit hand in my creation, raising or whatever caused me to be weaker than my 13 year old brother. I’ve seen doctors, I’ve tried lifting weights, its like I’m cursed. I’m beginning to think my sole purpose in life is being miserable and having rotten luck. I was thinking today about my female situation. And I would be lying to myself if I said there were absolutely no girls who had a bit of a thing or a crush or interest or whatever you want to call it…on me. But I’m not physically or majorly intellectually attracted to any of them. And I havent fallen head over heels in years, and I’m beginning to wonder if my terrible experience the last time has made me numb to ever falling madly in love with another girl ever again as I once had the ability to. I have been keeping the hope alive that I would get that feeling again someday, that the next one was just around the corner, so I went about my business, not looking for this girl, just waiting for her to fall into my lap… Figuratively or literally, both would be nice… But nothing… It’s like I’m not attracted to anyone anymore. Will I have to force myself to see girls I have no physical or deep emotional interest in? I feel as if I can’t get inspired to write a beautiful song about her than I don’t feel much like seeing her at all. And this has left me very very alone and single for a few years now.
For an example of one of those songs, I wrote one the other day for the girl I eventually told I never wanted to see again. http://www.myspace.com/kpilliad
Its the top song, Third Times a Charm.